I know I am supposed to be looking over guys
I date for a possible mate, but how would I know
a good one from a bad one?   They all look good and smell good and are nice to me when we are together...

Are they really?   My guess is that if you are watching carefully you will see some unguarded moments when more of the real person, with his real weaknesses, shows through.   Does he listen when you talk, or does he only show interest in the things he wants to talk about?   Is he patient when driving?   Does he seek to control all the decisions about how you spend your time?  

Does he press you for sexual contact you do not feel ready for?

How do you feel when you spend time with this person?   What is life like with him RIGHT NOW?   Do you feel respected and prized in his presence, or do you find yourself having to continually calm him down or cheer him up?   Are you fearful and on edge, watching what you wear, what you say and spending a lot of time trying to figure out how to keep him happy?

Bait?

Some guys (and of course, girls) put on a front when they date.   They are kind and make excessive gestures of consideration.   Almost too good to be true.   Hmmm.   Is there some acting going on with this person?   Is he making a too-big effort to attract you so that, after you are married, you will HAVE TO take care of him?

Be on the lookout for guys who are too smooth with their words, or doting in their attention to you.   That's usually not natural, and it may be intended to have the affect of persuading you to be in a relationship that will turn out quite different from courtship.

Look for a guy that is not putting on an act, is sincere, and who lets you know what he is thinking.   He is not hard to read, he doesn't seem to have two faces.   He is straightforward.   His reputation is good and consistent.   In fact, he makes an effort to show you who he really is and will even volunteer to tell you what he thinks some of his faults are.

Q: I am sick of my mate telling me that I drink too much.   Once in a while I have over drunk a little, but then I can go weeks without a drop.   How do I get her to just back off on this?
–Jim, not him

A: It's possible that your mate is over reacting.   Does she come from a family where alcohol was abused when she was a kid?   If so, he may be highly vigilant and fearful that some of the difficulties she lived through in the past will repeat themselves with you.   Maybe she is over estimating the danger with you based on her own fear.   If she is, that is unfair to you.   You are not the family member(s) who hurt her long ago.   Or...  

Maybe in your past you lived with folks who underestimated and denied how much their drinking was harming them and those around them.   And maybe now you are borrowing a page from that book.    My guess is that there could be some of BOTH of these going on between you and your wife.   That is often the way––both of you are contributing to the gridlock of upset you find yourself in.

So this interlocking dance goes on: the more she fears and tries to control how much you drink––which she learned in her family––the more you resent the feelings of being controlled and minimize––which you learned from your folks.   Does that shoe fit?

If so, how do we end this unhealthy dance?

Somebody has to make the first move.   Why not you?   This is not your enemy you are talking about.   This is your dear mate.   In the interest of keeping your relationship joyous and peaceful, why not try it her way for a little while?