| Are You Loving Yourself As You Love Your Neighbor? |
Are You Stuck in the Pleaser Role? It is a wonderful trait to enjoy serving others. When God made Eve to be a complement for Adam, we sense that she was equipped with the skills and the desire to bring comfort an Yay for the feminine home-and-hearth skills! Boo for being a bachelor (at least for me)! A married woman, and later a mom, often has a strong desire to care for, serve and please her family—and she adds to their lives in countless ways. What she usually wants in return is appreciation. In most cases the gratitude of her family is thanks enough. However she may do so much for so long that the family, instead of valuing her, takes her for granted. Then she feels stuck doing more and more for a family that is regarding her less and less. |
 Did you hear about the death of Snap, Crackle and Pop? They are calling it a serial killing.
Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine? He's recovered now. |
I love to do things like these for my family __________________________________
I feel nourished to continue to carry out _________________________________
I lose enthusiasm—or even resent— _________________________________
I have felt disrespected by my family
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Healthy Steps Through Messy Times |
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This column features the thoughtful action taken by somebody in a tough spot. Sometimes they experience soaring exuberance in a world of pain and challenge, other times they just muddle through, doing what is right, good and healthy but having little impact on their world. This may put |
you in touch with sometranscendent times, or it may help you find satisfaction in a job you did well-but-not-perfectly. Maybe you will begin (or continue) to notice the amazing little stories that are swirling in and around you all the time. And to respect yourself for the good you do. |
| From the Top of Sneer Mountain | ||
Without ever having been to an Octoberfest—I knew everything about it, and |
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A while back our friend Leslie called to invite my wife and I to go to an Octoberfest, which in the northeastern US means a big tent in the fall, with polka bands and guys in lederhosen and sauerkraut and beer. Ha! Are you KIDDING? Polkas? Oompah? What could possibly be more dorky and less fun in all the universe?! My wife had a hankering to go, even though I had my mind all made up about how lousy it would be. By some miracle, I knew it all without ever being exposed to it. From my lofty place of judgment I looked down with contempt at every possible feature of the event. In my mind polkas were slow and stodgy, and the musicians would be well meaning but inept. Without setting foot in the place—without ever having been to an Octoberfest—I knew everything about it, and was generously sharing my ridicule and superiority with my wife. Kind fellow that I was, I was belittling it in advance so she would have opportunity to catch up with me in the Contempt Department as soon as possible. She would soon see that I knew Everything about Everything! I made silly oompah noises all the way there, and cackled with glee about how dippy it would be. But we would be seeing friends we like, so I could still be my magnanimous self and go. Really, I AM a fine fellow! We had to park a long ways from the tent, which only contributed to my negative attitude, and then it cost a few bucks to get in—more than I was ready to pay. So far there was no evidence turning me around about the Octoberfest. Finally we got inside this tall, cavernous tent and met our friends. The polka band was taking a break, so I couldn’t immediately confirm my bias that they would be cute-but-bad. We chatted some and got a beer. Then the band came back up to the stage. After some cornball introductions they started playing in 3/4 time... |
At the speed of light! From the first verse they were tight and hot and fabulous! In a matter of seconds the sweat was pouring off the frenzied accordionist and the tuba player. Clever drummer, too! This was high-energy, potent stuff! Folks got out on the dance floor and spun and hopped and flung each other around with maximum enthusiasm and energy! Oh—so THIS is Octoberfest! I tell you no lie: even the yodeling was WAY COOL! It clicked for me before the first song was half over. I not only loved the frenzied polka-beat, I wanted IN on the dancing! It looked like so much fun, and I was nothing less than envious of the folks doing all that bouncing and spinning and laughing and sweating! So I asked Leslie to show me how (I being far too cool to ever learn how to polka before now). I had on these big shorts with no belt, and sandals—not quite the uniform of the polka crowd—but remarkably, Leslie was not too ashamed to be seen with me on the dance floor. She gave me about 20 seconds worth of instruction about hopping and counting and then changing feet, then she looked me in the eye and shouted over the jet-engine music, "You gotta MOVE!" Then, she pushed me backwards and around and I set off on this swirl of dizzying hop-pant-spin-yank up my shorts, all the while trying not to bang into the couples who seemed so smooth and graceful and skilled. You get the picture, right? I came with such judgments, and such certainty and such smugness, and I was as wrong as I could be. It was the fullest, funnest night I had in months. Ever happen to you? Yep, me, too. I'm not as bad as you, Dave, but I was still quite judgmental about __________________________________________ I am doing better at catching myself in my judgments now. I still feel them but I am proud that I didn't say anything critical about __________________________________________ |
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Possibly Made Up Q & A? |
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Yep, this is one of the oldest tricks in the book–pretending I have been asked a question about something I want to write about. Except I get asked about things like this a lot. |
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| Self-Harm |
Self-harm seems to be one of the ways people regulate internal pain.
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Q: My girlfriend has some long, straight cuts on her arm. When I saw them I was shocked. When I asked her about them she said she did it to herself. I had no idea what to say, but I can see she needs help. What can I do? |
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Self-harm is shocking to observers. And it may go on for a long time. What we can to do is try to nudge them to find a less destructive way to express themselves. Writing in a journal might be one, or drawing. Or talking to a trusted friend. Your friend needs help from folks who won't overreact and run away, but also won't under react either. This is a short answer to a big question, and you may like to follow up and get more information from an article at my web site entitled "What About Self Harm?" |
Hey! |
| Want to Know a Little More? |
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I have a web site that tells you more about who I am, what my credentials are and how I think. You can gain more of a sense of my morals and spiritual values there as well. I will store this series of newsletters there and also offer other help such as: You Are More than Your Looks If You Are a Girl Dating a Excerpts from my 10 by 10 Workbook If You Are a Man with an Anger Problem An Invitation to my 10 by 10 Funshops How Are You Handling Your |
