Nourishing and Healing: It's Never Too Late to Raise Yourself

The way of healing is this: you STOP THINKING of yourself in the old critical ways.  You STOP CALLING yourself "stupid," or "an idiot."  You STOP TREATING yourself harshly, unlovingly. 

I know, I know, you still FEEL that way for now.  These old bad habits are so deeply ingrained in you.  And they feel right.  When you call yourself "a loser" you really think it fits.  But those sweeping feelings that have guided you for so long are JUST PLAIN WRONG.  You aren't a loser and you never were. (Can I hear you fighting back from here?)  You were a fine kid treated unlovingly.  You were raised on unlove and so as a teen you started to make unloving choices for yourself.   It was how you were trained, so you did what you were conditioned, socialized to do.  You may want to defend your parents and say it was really all you.  But it wasn't.  You ARE responsible for the choices you made, of course.  But you made your unhealthy choices based on the unhealthy start you got.  Can't have one without the other. 

So consider trying this out:  make a promise that you will only say and do nourishing things for yourself for the next 3 days.  And when you catch yourself sliding back into your old self-downing ways, you will kindly, gently, FIRMLY redirect yourself.  Not harshly.  Promise yourself that even though you FEEL ALL THE OLD FEELINGS, and are tempted to CALL YOURSELF ALL THE OLD NAMES, you will take a few days off.  You will experiment.  You will softly reroute yourself with the same tenderness you would use guiding a toddler who is just learning to walk.  After the first three days, you may want to extend the experiment for three more days.
 

One day little Jeremy had done something that displeased his mom, Ann.  Ann was not quick to spank—in fact she was, if anything, pretty reluctant to swat any of her kids.  But finally Jeremy had crossed the line so far that even long-suffering Ann finally said, "Enough!" and went for the wooden spoon.  She bent Jeremy over her knee, explained AGAIN what the lesson was, and then she started to strike his bottom with the spoon.  She thought it was what a good mother would do.

After a few whacks on the butt, Jeremy turned his head and protested, "Ow!  That's too hard, mom!"  Ann was so surprised by this feedback that she had to pause to think about what she was going to do next.   She silently decided to give Jeremy a couple more hits, but she lightened up a lot. 

You didn't get to talk to Ann like I did, so you may be wondering if the kid was manipulating his mom.  That's not my take on this interchange.  As Ann related it to me, with all the nuances and music that helped complete the event, I understand that she was not taking her anger out on him.  In fact she was quite controlled and if anything, was hitting him not-that-hard right from the start.  But when she heard her son's remark she took it into account and adjusted her behavior RIGHT THEN AND THERE.  She was in enough control that she could hear what he said, evaluate it rationally, and make an adjustment.     

Ever happen that way in your life?
 
This is the hardest part for me in disciplining my kids:
 
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I think I am usually fair and consistent in discipline.  A situation I handled well was when
 
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One improvement I could make in the way
I train and discipline would be:

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Q: My wife says I scare her when I drive.  She gasps and pushes her foot down hard on the floor.  She doesn’t understand that the roads are full of idiots.  How can I help the poor woman? 
--A. Weaver, right on your bumper

A: Driving may stir up some of our deepest feelings about whether we matter in the world, whether we deserve to be respected, and if others deserve more respect than us.   We seem to be ready to interpret the driving habits of others as though they are making a direct statement about our personal worthiness.  That may be why we can get so mad if someone cuts us off, tailgates, or doesn't use their turn signal.  We feel like our space has been violated and our person has been disrespected.

Although events on the road REALLY CAN BE upsetting in the present, even more they may serve as a hook that stirs up very deep, primitive hurts we feel about our place in the world.   Yes, if we did not feel wanted as a child—at least a good portion of the time—then we may have our personal radar constantly scanning the horizon for cues that others are rejecting us, or disrespecting us. 
 

I am not there so I don't know if your passenger is overreacting.  But ask yourself this, dudenik:  Are you setting up a test to make her look bad and you feel smart and superior?   Do you find sadistic delight in taking chances you KNOW will scare her, and then picking on her for her fears? 

Is this a way you have discovered of passing bad feelings over to your wife?  Then instead of YOU being the one who feels bad on the road, you toss that feeling over to her.  See any possibilities there?

Perhaps you might be willing to experiment by deliberately driving in a more relaxed manner for a couple of weeks.  As if life weren't a race, and as though all of our lives are precious.  Maybe you will both enjoy the drive more…