As a small kid Rodney felt mystified a lot of the time. He looked around at school and saw that there were kids who knew things he didn't know. He didn't know they existed, he didn't know what questions to ask, and he certainly had no idea whom to ask to fill him in on all this stuff that he didn't know. Rodney didn't speak up about his confusion. He just watched and did his best to figure things out as he went. And he faked it a lot. He never for a moment thought that all the other kids were in exactly the same boat as him. Never.

One kid in his class—Randy—already knew the Pledge of Allegiance by heart on the first day of kindergarten. Rodney didn't even know there was a Pledge of Allegiance. Or about standing and putting his hand on his heart. He felt like he was from Mars, and he felt ashamed—like he should somehow know what he had never been shown. How could he have lived five whole years and still not know about the Pledge of Allegiance? Rodney walked around in a permanent-press of shame, as though he not only was in the dark about stuff others knew, but that it was his fault for not knowing. He often felt panic, racing, and trying to catch up without letting on that he felt like he was behind.

Somewhere along the line Rodney concluded that he would have to wait until he was 35. He thought that by that age people finally knew All the Important Things there were to know in life.

And that notion stayed with him. Even into his twenties, Rodney was expecting that by his mid-30s he would finally have it all figured out. He would be wise and comfortable and know what needed to be known. All the blanks would be filled in by then.

Which of course was a mirage. Only a lot.

As he got into and beyond his 30s Rodney was still confused, and now disappointed, too. It was like somebody kept moving the goal post back. When he was a kid it seemed to him that folks in their 30s had it all figured out. So why, now that he was in his 30s, wasn't he finally flush with wisdom, comfort and ease? And, hey, now that you mention it, that bewildered sense he had as a first-grader was still with him. He still felt afraid that he didn't know enough, and like he was a failure for not knowing. It was a lousy way to feel and a long time to feel that way.

Sound like anybody you know? Sound like you?

We may labor and lumber for a long time thinking and feeling badly about ourselves. Like we are the Mayor of Loserville. We may not tell anybody we feel that way—like we did when we were first-graders. We may continue to fake it, pretending we know what we think we should know but don't know and could not know.

Or you can stop. Rodney did. He is a guy of unusual straightforwardness and candor. So he tries not to do too much pretending. When he doesn't know something he will ask. He states his admiration for others, and freely gives credit and praise whenever he sees a place for it.

Funny thing about humility, the less you try to impress folks, the more impressed they seem to be—in all the best ways.

Q: My wife says I am controlling and scary to her and our kids. But I don't feel that way about myself. Is she overreacting, or am I missing something about myself?
—Tarzan, Jungle

A: Well, I am not there to observe the dozens of little interactions between you and your family each week, so I can't say for sure. But let's see if this helps you to assess yourself honestly:

Many men—and, yes, some women, too—may not realize how much their angry feelings affect them and come out in their speech and actions. An angry person can become very forceful in his speech. He can become impatient and critical, pouncing on the minor flaws of his family, and then expressing intense disapproval. From inside of himself he may not realize how red his face has gotten, how loud he is, or how menacing his manner appears to those who are smaller and weaker than him.

Since it is common for men to overpower their wives and children, I think there is a good chance that the feedback your wife is giving you could be at least partially true. If that is the case, then it took quite a bit of courage for her to bring this matter up to you.

You may be quick to point out that you are not angry all the time, and you might even insist that you are not angry very often at all. But if you really lose control on the occasions when you are angry, your family may be tiptoeing around you almost all the time. They may go to a lot of effort not to upset you, and that may be wearing them out.

Ask your wife to read these paragraphs with you, to see if what I have described is what she is also saying to you. If it is, look at my web site for some help with your domineering tendencies. Check out: 10by10davidloftus.com. After you are at the home page, click on menu item Is Someone in Crisis? After that page comes up, click on If You Are a Man with an Anger Problem.