Folks who lack love for themselves say Yes to things they don't want to do. They put the feelings/approval of others WAY AHEAD OF what they know is good for themselves. Even when they do say No they may be manipulated into reversing their decision. And if they do finally, really say No and stand by it, they don't feel relief, they suffer pounding guilt for hours or days after. Even when they stand up to external pressure they are may fold under the INTERNAL PRESSURE and go back to saying Yes.

It is noble and good to do for others and it is scriptural to extend ourselves greatly for our fellow man. I love those values and I trust you do, too. But you know what I am talking about here. I am describing a kind of guilt-based giving that is sick because it takes from what the giver NEEDS FOR HERSELF. As much as we want to help others in a healthy way we have to come to terms with our limitedness. When you get on a commercial airplane they give you instructions before take-off about what to do in the case of an emergency. They always say

If you grew up in a family where feelings were often very cold or very hot (silence or screaming) then you may think of disagreement as difficult and abusive. It might have been in your past but it doesn't have to be in your future. Other people can tolerate your disagreement and you can tolerate their disappointment. You don't have to be harsh or tough. You can disagree with kindness and firmness at the same time. You don't have to justify your decision, either. Just present it and stick to it. Like you take your own needs seriously.

Just try being straightforward-saying what best represents how you actually feel. Use a determined tone of voice, like you have really made up your mind. Clearly announce what you will or won't do. Ideally you address the other person while looking right into their eyes. Don't over explain or use too many words. State your position and stop.

Janie is from the country. She knows about cows, gardening, trees and birds. In her childhood she saw birth and death in the animal world. Later she married and moved to a tidy little suburb. But you can't take the country out of the girl...

Janie kept her yard nice and neat, like the neighbors'. Well, not exactly. She always had a couple of tomato plants, and some of the less formal, country-style plants in her yard. Free-spirited hollyhocks and falling-over daisies. Janie would sit out at night with her husband and enjoy the sunset and the stars. They were as wonderful in suburbia as in the country. Well, no they weren't. Something was missing. Too quiet. Janie missed all that riotous chattering and twittering and bleating and that whole SYMPHONY of insect songs. Late in the summer it became positively loud, but it was always so soothing. Quieter sounds of traffic were bothersome to Janie, but all that chirping and clanging was Mozart to her.

So one evening she got her husband to drive her and her quart jar to the country. As the sunlight dimmed and it got a little cooler, Janie got down on her hands and knees and began scanning the ground for crickets. Soon she had Milton (he could hardly believe it!) doing it, too. Yep, they harvested crickets, took 'em back home and let them loose in their back yard. Janie thought that if they made it through the first winter they would be there for good. Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. But in the next couple of summers the bushes and trees around the neighborhood did start to broadcast that blissfully raucous August squawk.

How about you? How do you nourish yourself, replenish yourself, restore yourself? How and when do you connect with the natural world so that you feel refreshed and inspired?

Some of my favorite times in the natural world have been

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I don't have to go far to see natural beauty which lifts me up. Right nearby I have noticed

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When I have a chance to spend some time in the natural world I notice my body feels

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Q: My problem is jealousy. I would be ashamed for anyone to know how jealous and competitive I feel around my friends. Whenever anything good happens to them I resent it. I try to hide it, but I would rather stop it. Help!
-Not telling who, not telling where

A: Thanks for your honesty. Actually you may be speaking for lots of us. In my experience there are some folks who just aren't very jealous by nature-they don't feel it very often, and when they do the feeling is not so strong and sweeping. But they seem to be in the minority.

Like you, I've got it bad. There are internal sensors in you and me that are continually gauging What-I-Have alongside What-You-Have. Even if we say we would rather not, we keep turning life into a competition for attention. As you have heard me say before, we may often feel as though our whole worth as a person is on the line.

My best guess is that such powerful impulses stem from our not getting enough healthy attention-the kind humans absolutely need to thrive-as small children.

Treating yourself more lovingly will help over time, but that does take a while. Gradually the feelings of competition really do subside and are replaced by tenderness and compassion. Mine have, and yours will, too.

Till then don't let yourself be shoved along by jealousy, any more than you would allow yourself to steal what isn't yours, or eat excessive desserts. That's why they call it self-control. Act Not Jealous even if you feel jealous. Override those feelings. Don't let them rule you. For now that is the best you can do. And it is a lot!