| Are You Loving Yourself As You Love Your Neighbor? |
Putting It All Together When a piece of wooden furniture is broken, it can be repaired by using carpenter's glue. After that the broken place, now fortified with glue, is much stronger than the surrounding natural wood. The piece could break again in another place but it will not break in the place where it was glued. What had been the broken place has now become the strongest. When we present our most genuine self to another person in working through a difference or conflict, we are creating an opportunity to strengthen that relationship, just the way glue does to broken wood. Whether with our mate or someone else, conflict—handled with genuineness, skill and perseverance—is an invitation to a deeper connection and stronger relationship than we had before the difference arose. You fix the break.
So while in the past you may have dreaded and retreated from conflict, maybe now you will be intrigued by the possibility that conflict can be the way into some delicious times of connection and strengthened relationships. If you will just tolerate those initial moments of tenseness and you have the courage to meet the other person with genuineness, your disagreement may be the doorway to some of the most enlivened, pleasant times of you life. Disagreement? Leading to enlivened—and pleasant? Really? Really. Give it a try. You could have done it as a 10 year-old, and you can certainly do it now. |
| A first, gentle step I can take to bring more genuineness into my life would be to _____________________________________________________________________ I will not expect too much too soon by _____________________________________________________________________ But I will hold myself responsible to _____________________________________________________________________ I might be able to get some support or encouragement by sharing what I have learned with _____________________________________________________________________ |
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Healthy Steps Through Messy Times |
This column features the thoughtful action taken by somebody in a tough spot. Sometimes they experience soaring exuberance in a world of pain and challenge, other times they just muddle through, doing what is right, good and healthy but having little impact on their world. This may put you in touch with some transcendent times, or it may help you find satisfaction in a job you did well-but-not-perfectly. Maybe you will begin (or continue) to notice the amazing little stories that are swirling in and around you all the time. And to respect yourself for the good you do. |
She Loved Him Anyways |
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Kids need and love their dads, whether dad is a good guy or a bad guy. |
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When Annie was a fetus, her father, Todd, used to beat her mother. As a toddler, Annie identified with her mom so much that she would try to get between them when dad got violent. Annie would try to push him away. She wanted to protect her mom. Finally Annie's parents divorced, and Todd moved away. Annie would travel to stay with him a couple of times a year during the longer school breaks. Annie grew up to look a lot like her mom. Same skin and hair tones, same soft voice, same love for the natural world. So when she visited her dad, he was often cruel to her. It seemed like he took a lot of his old anger out on Annie, almost as if Annie was his first wife. On the phone he would warmly invite her to come for a visit, but when she arrived he picked up right where he left off with his contempt. Annie knew he was unstable, and that she didn't do the crazy things he said, and that she didn't deserve the way he treated her. He was suspicious, insulting, impossible to please. Some of his ways disgusted her.
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But Annie couldn't stay away. No matter how much he hurt her, and how demanding and inconsistent he was, she always wanted to go back to see him. She knew he wouldn't be different, yet at the same time she kept up the hopeless hope that one day her dad would realize what a good student, good person, good daughter she was. One more time, one more time, she would give him. Kids need and love their dads, whether dad is a good guy or a bad guy. The need is there, to know him and be known by him, to love him and be loved by him. To follow him around and learn 'the secrets kids need to know from My Dad Who Knows Everything.' Maybe you weren't given all the help you could have used by your dad, and you still feel like there are things you should know that you don't know. Does this lack leave you permanently way-back in your life? Nope, not at all. You can find some fathering, some mentoring, some of the help your dad could have given you from other stable men in your world. Eventually you grow up and become your own parent. You become your own leader. You come to respect yourself as a person of integrity and vision. You may very well pass your dad, becoming more emotionally stable, wiser and more responsible in your life than he ever managed to be in his. And you become the parent you would like to have had for your own children and grandchildren. |
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I have gotten/can still get mentoring from ________________________________________________________________ I have passed my dad in these areas and have grown into my own leadership: ________________________________________________________________ I have been/could be a mentor for ________________________________________________________________ |
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Possibly Made Up Q & A? |
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Yep, this is one of the oldest tricks in the book–pretending I have been asked a question about something I want to write about. Except I get asked about things like this a lot. |
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Mental Health Professionals |
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Q: I am thinking of seeing a mental health professional for a problem I am having, but I am confused about all the different names and titles. What is the difference between a psychologist, a psychiatrist, and a counselor? How would I know which is right for me? A: Here's the story, Dudenik: A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who, in our time, usually just prescribes medications for persons with more serious mental or emotional disorders. If you are say, depressed, and your symptoms are not very severe, you may be able to see your primary care physician for medications. Some family docs are more willing to prescribe psychotropic (mental/emotional health) meds than others. Typically, patients are able to get in to see their family doctor much quicker than they can get an appointment with a psychiatrist, so I recommend that you consider your family doctor first. A psychologist usually cannot prescribe medications. He/she has a doctorate degree, meaning they may have spent almost 10 years in college. But much of their Ph.D. training may have equipped them to teach at the college level, or do research. In other words, their advanced training allows them to charge more for their services, but may or may not equip them to help you more with your real life problems. |
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A counselor or MSW (social worker) has completed a master's degree in counseling—which is typically the minimal amount of formal training required to practice psychotherapy. These folks typically cost the least to see, and they are the ones who are in-the-trenches healers day to day. Some have also continued to provide themselves with much other learning about their craft. These folks typically cost the least to see, and they are the ones who are in-the-trenches practitioners from day to day. Ask some of your friends if they know of a therapist whom they trust and like. Or ask your family doctor. But make up your own mind about staying with that therapist after a visit or two. Don’t stay if you aren't comfortable with him. And don’t consult someone who does not have professional credentials to practice psychotherapy in your state.
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Hey!
If you know someone else who would find the 10 by 10 newsletters |
Want to Know a Little More? |
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I have a web site that tells you more about who I am, what my credentials are and how I think. You can gain more of a sense of my morals and spiritual values there as well. I will store this series of newsletters there and also offer other help such as: If Someone You Care About Is in Crisis Right Now Excerpts from my 10 by 10 Workbook If You Are Having a Panic Attack An Invitation to my 10 by 10 Funshops |
