| Are You Loving Yourself As You Love Your Neighbor? |
Differences, Disagreement and —Yowee! — If you grew up in a family where your parents were sticklers for respect and conformity, they may not have welcomed expressions of your feelings or preferences. So you may have learned to hide them. There may be times you recall that your differentness was met with rejection. Did you then grow up fearful and over compliant? Now, decades later, in the face of disagreement or conflict, does your nervous system seize in whole-body fear—like you were still a small child at the mercy of a very angry adult? If so, it's no wonder you try to avoid conflict, even at your own expense!
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At the other extreme, you may have responded angrily as a child, pushing back with all your might. Maybe you protested everything. Or maybe you learned to do some of both—sometimes too fearful, sometimes too angry—depending on the subject at hand. When we handle conflict in the present it may again go badly, as we often saw in our family of origin. But handling important disagreements with genuineness may also lead you to some surprisingly good outcomes, too. Up until now, maybe you have never thought of disagreement as an opening for strengthening and improving your relationships. Can you imagine? You can practice genuineness by speaking the little and big truths that mean the most to you. Lots of smaller annoyances are better left unsaid, but there are times when, if you don't speak up, you are no longer representing the real YOU. You would be hiding yourself. When you care a lot about a matter it is time to speak up. Don't let the old fears keep you shut down. If on the other hand you tend to come on strong, as if you are still defending yourself from your overbearing parents, you can rest now. Those days are behind you, and you outlasted them. Take a couple of deep breaths, lower your volume and speak in a friendly way. Think about how your family handled differences and disagreements. Was Dad always right? Did Mom claim some turf that he left to her? Were conflicts loud? Silent? Dangerous? Constructive? Chaotic? |
When I was young I remember saying I felt differently about _____________________________________________________________________________ I recall this time when I spoke up directly for myself and it went well for me _____________________________________________________________________________ |
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Healthy Human Sexuality |
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When I entered the therapy biz I had no idea where my experiences would take me. I have found that there is a hushed, urgent longing to talk about and hear sound, specific information about our sexual functioning as humans. |
I try to touch on the things that people want to know and hesitate to ask about. I also try to fortify your determination to live by healthy sexual standards. I try to level with teens about sexual pleasure in a healthy way. |
Sex Crimes |
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Parents underestimate the sadism of their enemy. |
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Some persons feel a pull towards risky sexual expression. In their minds there is an exciting link between sexual satisfaction and taking some kind of chance. So such a guy may expose himself. He may use prostitutes. He may look in windows or want to have sex in a public place where there is risk of being seen or discovered. These are sick practices. They are not healthy sexual alternatives. They are morally wrong and in most cases they are also illegal, and for good reason. If you feel pulled to any of these—or others like these—do not let yourself act on them. You don't have to do what you feel. Whole, wholesome humans can have some feelings or urges that run through their mind that they just do not follow up on. My hunch is that such dangerous behaviors may be a reenactment of abuse such a person endured as a child. In not a few cases children have been sexually abused in their own home by a relative or family friend. This may have gone on in another room while other family members were present. I have heard this story more than once, more than twice. The rapist was able to threaten the child or manipulate the child's mind so that the kid saw it as more undesirable to tell than to remain silent. And—bear this in mind—the perpetrators of childhood sexual abuse HIDE THEIR ACTS IN THEIR SHOCKING BOLDNESS. They often are not detected because the people around wouldn't expect such crimes to be taking place under their nose. Oh, and the parents think they are alert, and with it, and doing their job because they have talked to their children about watching out for strangers. |
And parents underestimate the sadism of their enemy. The child molester plays dirty. He wants to degrade and humiliate his victims. That's what sexual abuse is really all about. It certainly isn't about natural sex. It's about treating a young human as a toilet.
So the molester—maybe a relative, or teacher or a respected member of the clergy, or a coach—wants to cruelly threaten and trap your kid with manipulations like these: "I will tell everybody you liked it. " "I will tell them it was your idea." "You will be sent away from home if you tell." "Nobody will believe you." "I will kill you if you tell." "I will kill your brother if you tell." This criminal is dealing with the pain from his past, not in a healthy way, but by replicating it in a new victim. Parents have to be knowledgeable, skillful and brave to protect our kids from this sicko. (an excerpt from my forthcoming |
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Possibly Made Up Q & A? |
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Yep, this is one of the oldest tricks in the book–pretending I have been asked a question about something I want to write about. Except I get asked about things like this a lot. |
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Denial |
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Q: What is the deal with denial? A: O, Queen, denial relates to the ability our brain has to tune things out, to refuse to give our attention to something. Maybe that is the function that goes way off with ADD kids—they can't control what they do and do not think about or focus on any more. Healthy people live in reality. They do not ignore what is real because it is upsetting or difficult to deal with. Even if it is hard we have to stay tuned in: Is my teenager withdrawing? Is my mate overstressed? Am I driving myself to resentment or sickness by my relentless striving? Denial—deliberately ignoring—would not be a good way to deal with matters like these. |
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But denial is the healthy alternative for us if we tend to obsess or stress ourselves by too much worry. You turn the key all the way over in the ignition to start your car, but once the engine starts you let the key come back, rather than keep grinding away on the ignition switch. You can do the same for that wonderful brain of yours: stop grinding. Be disciplined enough not to let yourself over focus on worries that you cannot control. Slam the door in your head—that is, choose to make use of HEALTHY DENIAL—to lock out jealousy, lust, or passing on vicious gossip. Protect your peace of mind and your calmness by refusing to make yourself more upset. Denial isn't all good or all bad. It's how and where you use it, eh? Q: What is an ignition switch? |
Hey!
If you know someone else who would find the 10 by 10 newsletters |
Want to Know a Little More? |
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I have a web site that tells you more about who I am, what my credentials are and how I think. You can gain more of a sense of my morals and spiritual values there as well. I will store this series of newsletters there and also offer other help such as: If You See a Child Being Abused If You Are a Girl Dating a Controlling Male You Are More than How You Look Excerpts from my 10 by 10 Workbook An Invitation to my 10 by 10 Funshops
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