| Are You Loving Yourself As You Love Your Neighbor? |
Wonderful Terrible Moments for Couples To those who are married and those who will be: we each choose a mate who is perfectly poised to both pick our scabs and help heal our wounds. Consciously you might say that you selected your mate because you like they way they look, their values, personal traits and stated goals. Fair and true. But at the same time your vast unconscious brain was also sizing them up (as they were sizing YOU up) for how well they would fit into your family script. Yes, courtship was, for both of you, a TRYOUT for a supporting role in each other's Family Play. Based on your experiences growing up, you have a highly detailed mental picture of what the man will and will not do, and what the woman always and never does. Without ever stopping to write it all down, you are carrying a long list of expectations around with you, which you hold up for those you choose to audition. We all do it, it's the most obvious thing, and yet nobody talks about it. |
So both of you are trying to fit each other into your own family of origin's script, which—big surprise!—leads to difficulty and conflict.
For a while you will yank back and forth, each trying to get the other to play by YOUR FAMILY'S rules. This can be discouraging, exasperating and may seem hopelessly complicated at times. But hang in there with each other. While you guys were each chosen for your potential to continue unhealthy patterns, you are also well placed to help each other HEAL AND FLOURISH in ways that will feel good for decades into the future. You are going to have to deal with your unconscious expectations for marriage and family sooner or later—here or there—so why not commit to working on yourself RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, in THIS marriage? After a while the two of you can get a little playful, even. In fun you can laugh and shriek, "Yikes! I really DID marry my father!" |
A man noticed his credit card was stolen, but didn't report it. The thief was spending less than his wife. A housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," the wife replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma.". |
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Healthy Steps Through Messy Times |
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This column features the thoughtful action taken by somebody in a tough spot. Sometimes they experience soaring exuberance in a world of pain and challenge, other times they just muddle through, doing what is right, good and healthy but having little impact on their world. This may put |
you in touch with sometranscendent times, or it may help you find satisfaction in a job you did well-but-not-perfectly. Maybe you will begin (or continue) to notice the amazing little stories that are swirling in and around you all the time. And to respect yourself for the good you do. |
Till I Wept |
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Some skills come easier to me, and some to them. But for those |
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The other day I happened to catch a tumbling act that was done by 6 tall guys from east Africa. They had this joyous drum music pounding off to the side and they kept jumping rope and doing trick handstands and balancing on their hands on each other's heads. It was a riot of strength and fluid movement and youthful possibility. They stacked up on top of each other in impossible ways—like they had been drawn by Dr. Seuss.
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It was wonderful entertainment, impressive acrobatics and just plain fun. And, I noticed, a little more than that. At least a couple of times in their 15-minute routine, I noticed a little sore pressure building up in the tear ducts at my eyes. I didn't think about it then—I just kept watching and whooping. But the realization was there that this was so beautiful and skillful; these young men were so strong and lissome and supple. So graceful and (seemingly) effortless. They were a sample of the best and most healthy and vibrant that is in all of us. They were the human race on display—and they were mighty fine specimens. I was happy for them, happy to see them show off their skills, happy to be a living, breathing, human—with our marvelous, ingenious bodies. Some skills come easier to me, and some to them. But for those few minutes we were celebrating the healthiest in us all. No jealousy, just joyous union and celebration… |
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I get it, Dave. Sometimes I am jealous of others, but other times I find myself spontaneously, involuntarily joined to them in their excellence. It happened to me as I watched I have been very moved (maybe even wept) at the beauty, skill or grace of Actually, I have never felt the way you described. That is a mystery to me. And it sounds attractive to me. I suppose I could pay more attention to beauty and inspiration by |
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Possibly Made Up Q & A? |
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Yep, this is one of the oldest tricks in the book–pretending I have been asked a question about something I want to write about. Except I get asked about things like this a lot. |
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Suicide |
We should respond with concern if someone says or hints they are thinking of taking their life. |
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Q: A friend in my grade talks about dying, and says she wishes she were dead. How can I help her? A: Not that long ago talk of suicide was rare and now many of our TEENAGERS have thought about it, or know others who have. What is happening? People are not hiding their pain any more, are they? They can't or won't hide it any more, so now it is right out where we can see it. Where we can't miss it. It can be seductive and overwhelming for a teen to have a suicidal friend. My one strong suggestion to you is this: DON'T BE ALONE WITH THIS KNOWLEDGE. Your friend may insist that you keep her secret, and for a while that may feel flattering to you. But eventually it can wear you out. And as much as you care, your friend needs more help than just you can give. I suggest that you selectively disclose what you know to SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP. Don't tell everybody, but tell somebody who can make a difference. A parent may or may not be the best one. But surely there is a teacher, counselor, adult friend, doctor, elder…somebody whose help you can enlist. Bring in some extra eyes, ears and support. This is too important to keep to yourself. |
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Suicidal thinking is not "just a stage" of life. We should respond with concern if someone says or hints they are thinking of taking their life. Most persons who say they wish they were dead do not take that action, but some do. And it is impossible for us to know if this is the person, and this is her time. So get somebody to help you who really can help you.
For additional information, see my article on "Suicidality" at my web site: www.10by10davidloftus.com |
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If you know someone else who would find the 10 by 10 newsletters |
Want to Know a Little More? |
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I have a web site that tells you more about who I am, what my credentials are and how I think. You can gain more of a sense of my morals and spiritual values there as well. I will store this series of newsletters there and also offer other help such as: Excerpts from my 10 by 10 Workbook An Invitation to my 10 by 10 Funshops |
