In recent years mental health professionals have started to talk about, write about and provide treatment for persons who were sexually abused as children. It is impossible to imagine how much human suffering has gone on down through time by persons who were also brutalized but had no book to read, no sympathetic person to tell, no therapist to turn to. Their symptoms went untreated and they struggled alone. They were misunderstood, and sometimes placed in asylums for what happened to them as helpless, defenseless kids.

It's hard enough for survivors to get by even with all the supportive help that is available today. It's a lot more than there was, but we are still just getting started.

It seems to help a lot for the survivor of childhood sexual abuse to be able to tell her/his story. As much as they do or don't want, at a pace that they prefer. In the telling there is relief. There is the relief of not being alone with all that horror any more, and the relief of being believed. There is particular satisfaction at holding the perpetrator responsible by declaring his crimes—even if there is no legal recourse this many years after his crimes. The victim starts to be able to turn things around in her mind. No matter what the perpetrator said or threatened, the child did not cause the abuse. The perp was a particularly wicked human being, who did not tell the truth. The abuse was HIS fault, not the child's. The child DESERVED to be protected. Sexual abuse did not make the child bad, although it is understandable that she felt bad. The abuser was the Sicko and the shame belongs to HIM!

 Healing happens as the survivor gets used to and accepts these healthy concepts. It doesn’t happen all at once, but she feels better and better as she reorganizes her view of herself, how she looks at her abuser, and how she sees her world. Figure on a couple of years or more to really internalize this new learning. But it really can happen, and really does happen. People can heal a lot.

So if you are a victim, I encourage you to think about selectively confiding in someone. Not a lot of people, but I wouldn't stay alone with it either. I understand it is very difficult for you to trust another human being if your own family members victimized you. But think about your family doctor, or a therapist that is well recommended. There is somebody you can tell…

Calming, Soothing, Healing

The severity of symptoms and personal resilience of each person differs. Maybe you have never told another person about being abused and you are doing fine. Good for you! You may have been born with a lot of resilience, or maybe your abuse didn't go on so long—although even one time was way, way too much. In the case of other victims, you sense their woundedness with just a glance. You can't be positive with just a glance, but your intuition picks up a signal they send. Maybe it is their sadness, maybe their anorexia. Maybe all those tattoos and piercings indicate to you that this is a person in pain.

A frequent after affect of childhood sexual abuse would be one of the anxiety disorders: either post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or panic disorder or agoraphobia. Generally these suggest that a person is very easily startled and lives in state of fearfulness. It's a difficult and unpleasant way to live.

But starting to tell their story is the start of the way out.

( an excerpt from my forthcoming book:
The 10 by 10 Book on Healthy Human Sexuality)

Q: Dave, I don't get it. Why are you wasting precious Internet electrons telling dork-ball jokes in your newsletter? Haven't you noticed that there are big problems in the world?
~Tim Grim, in Fuzzytown

A: Hey, Tim. It's always good to hear from you. My take is like this: a great big body-wracking laugh is a wonderful way to release muscle tension, get us breathing deeply, and restore our perspective. Healthy humor is essential to a balanced life. It can be one of the most effective tools to help us cope with all the serious, draining stuff we have to get through.

Again, I am talking about a HEALTHY sense of humor. In many families there wasn't much honest joy or humor. What there was instead, was cruel teasing and name calling. Many times the object of such sick humor was to bring a kid tears. In some families a younger child would be painfully tickled till she cried. Then she would be picked on for crying and told, "I don't know what's wrong with you. We were only playing!" These were enactments of anger, and have nothing to do with true humor.

Authentic humor is good to all. Everybody gains while nobody loses. There is no cruelty—all are respected. Now with someone you know and trust you may enter into some mild teasing with no harm done. Healthy folks can endure light give-and-take teasing. (If some teasing starts to take on a more cutting edge and it bothers you, speak up and say so. Speaking up when you feel a need to is a wonderful way to love yourself.)

I notice that persons with robust, healthy humor also tend to have a hefty ability to deal with the weightier aspects of life, too. Can you bring more humor, and more a sense of the absurd into your life? It will lighten your heart and lighten your step. Respectful humor is soft, mild, friendly and has no underlying edge.

(How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but probably 8 to 10 visits.)

I can easily restore some good humor to my life by

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I recently laughed when I saw a child

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I despise laughing and humor, and plan to replace them ASAP in my life with

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(Tim, you DO get the joke on this one, right?)