| Are You Loving Yourself As You Love Your Neighbor? |
Men Hurry and Women Worry? When we try to do more things than we can really get done we end up feeling rushed, and no doubt speeding past the dear people and the dear moments of our life. That same lack of attentiveness and lack of contact can also take us over when we are lost in worry. If you will allow me to paint with a broad brush, I have noticed that men may tend to get lost in hurry and women may get lost in worry. I know, I know––not everybody, and not every time. But I see these as general tendencies. Have you noticed?
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Now there are big things that simply take over our attention––like a serious illness or injury to one whom we love. That would be a big problem for anyone and would understandably prompt Big Worry. But have you noticed how seductive it can be to let smaller dilemmas also stir up Big Worry in us? Some think that by poring over their problems again and again, running them through their mind from every angle, that they are getting closer to finding a solution. And I am all for thoroughness. But there comes the time––and it's usually sooner than we think––that endless replays of What Might Happen are absolutely counterproductive. Planning and meditation are good, but fretful mental reruns detract from your life; in fact they are pulling you out of your life. You are missing it for those moments you are rehearsing, and you are raising, not lowering, your level of apprehension. There is the illusion that you are doing something about the problem by examining it one more time. But you aren't. You are wearing yourself out. I don't suggest that you deny you have problems, but I DO suggest that you DENY THEM THE OPPORTUNITY to control you. Write it on a sticky note and slap it up on the frig:
I tend to speed up when If I am going to worry too much it will probably be about ___________________________________________ ___________________________________________ I remember this time recently when I was with someone who was so hurried/worried that he hardly noticed me ___________________________________________ Someone I know who seems to do well in having hurry/worry under control is ____________________________________________ A way I could imitate this person to my own benefit would be for me to start (or quit!)... ___________________________________________ |
Healthy Human Sexuality |
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When I entered the therapy biz I had no idea where my experiences would take me. I have found that there is a hushed, urgent longing to talk about and hear sound, specific information about our sexual functioning as humans. |
I try to touch on the things that people want to know and hesitate to ask about. I also try to fortify your determination to live by healthy sexual standards. I try to level with teens about sexual pleasure in a healthy way. |
Sex Can't Be Everything, But It Can Be Good |
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Sex is a great pleasure, and a wonderful adjunct to our lives. |
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An old joke says "Niagara Falls is the second big disappointment on an average American honeymoon." Get it? You can't get all your emotional needs met from sex. You may be hoping and expecting that after you marry sex will fill you with thrills and pleasure that will make you content with your life (all the more so if you have been looking at pornography). Whether you know it or not, you may have extremely exaggerated expectations about sex. Sex is a great pleasure, and a wonderful adjunct to our lives. But it will not fill up an empty life. And in fact you will come to be resentful if you are expecting sex to be more than it can be. You may spoil what sex REALLY IS and REALLY CAN BE by overlaying it with your entirely unrealistic expectations. As I have written in other places, most of us did not experience all the healthy attention we would like to have soaked up as babes-in-arms. Our moms and dads may have loved us lots (or maybe they did sometimes and didn't sometimes), but they had no idea how much adoration we could and wanted to sop up. Lots. And that longing, that confirmation that we matter, that WISH TO BE WANTED continues to pulse in us, yes right down till this second. Even as adults we may still be constantly scanning the horizon for cues that we matter or threats that we don't. We don't talk about how jealous and competitive we feel, but it may be a furnace that roars inside us. It can be a fire that always wants more fuel, coloring almost all of our human interactions. We may therefore experience a real longing to connect with the other gender, imagining that our longing for attention is well, love––which, actually, it isn't. But when we first begin to date we may then say to ourselves, "Now THIS is cool. She is so into ME and what I want. Is this what I have been desperately longing for all my life?" Bear in mind that these words don't consciously go through our mind, but mixed in with other things, we may go through a semi-conscious process quite similar to this. So we love being in love and we feel so good when we are paired off with that other person because they are focusing all their attention on us! Finally! This is intoxicating! Then throw in kissing and the other lesser sexual touch that couples may experiment with before they marry. At first it is so wonderful, and so new and so exciting and we think to ourselves––"now THIS must be what life is all about!" And the whole time we may are likely being driven by a longing from our neglected infancy. Temporarily, dating and touching and kissing and planning on a wedding really scratches that itch, but even a very good marriage and a robust sex life will not obscure it for all time. You have to do that yourself. |
How? In my opinion you will feel more complete in your life if you come to terms with your own feelings of emptiness and self-doubt. I would suggest you face it and pick up where your parents left off training your brain and bringing yourself forward in emotional groundedness and wisdom. If you do that with awareness you will stop silently demanding that the people around you comfort you and attend to you. You will stop being––no offense––a big baby.
That means that you will look at how you come across to people. What would your friends say about you if they dared to be completely, helpfully honest? Are you demanding? Narcissistic (self-centered)? Overly compliant? You will come to see what kind of presence you have and make adjustments to be more healthy in your human interactions. If you are too powerful, you will pull back. If you are too fearful, you will step up. You will speak your truth and live in trueness to your conscience and values. You will be less split and more healed. And with that you become a lot more at peace with yourself. The hole in your soul gets filled and you become more grateful for the life you have. You demand less of others and feel more comfortable in your own skin. THEN, being personally filled and fulfilled in this way, sex is just plain wonderful. It is more the meeting of two souls than just the sex organs. It is deep and appreciative and, well, it's enough.
(an excerpt from my forthcoming The 10 by 10 Book on Healthy Human Sexuality) |
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Possibly Made Up Q & A? |
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Yep, this is one of the oldest tricks in the book–pretending I have been asked a question about something I want to write about. Except I get asked about things like this a lot. |
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Feelings |
It is your responsibility to know yourself and know how you come across to others. And to CONTROL how you come across. |
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Q: My feelings can be so up and so down. There are days when I am depressed, and days I am bouncing off the walls. I am 14. What is the deal? A: Good question. Just as we all have the same human body but in different colors and proportions, we all have the same general dashboard of feelings, but with different settings. Some folks feel their feelings in such subtle ways that they are easy to control. The down side for them may be that they may not pay so much attention to their feelings and their life may be heavy on logic, kind of bland. Others, and you seem to be at this end of the spectrum, have your thermostat set lower. You feel things quickly and intensely––with lots of oranges and reds. That means you are richly aware of your environment and your place in it. But the feelings are so strong it feels like you are walking into the wind a lot of the time. You react with more vigor than others might, and sometimes that may be embarrassing for you. Or worse. You over react. Oops. |
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It is your responsibility to know yourself and know how you come across to others. And to CONTROL how you come across. Your pals may make some allowances for you some of the time if you are "out there" with your feelings. But sooner or later you can wear them out. Most of the time you have to control yourself. It's your job, and you can do it. |
Hey!
If you know someone else who would find the 10 by 10 newsletters |
| Want to Know a Little More? |
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I have a web site that tells you more about who I am, what my credentials are and how I think. You can gain more of a sense of my morals and spiritual values there as well. I will store this series of newsletters there and also offer other help such as: If You Would Like to Contact Me If You See a Child Being Abused Excerpts from my 10 by 10 Workbook An Invitation to my 10 by 10 Funshops |
