10 by 10

Welcome to my Newsletter.

After spending the past 11 years as a practicing psychotherapist I have learned a bunch about our resilience as humans, and much about the most noble and healthy urges in us. At the same time I see-as you do-that our human family is being torn to shreds. More broken homes, broken hearts, broken families and broken people.

This is my little offer of help. Please receive it in the same caring, light-hearted spirit I send it. This isn't The Only Answer For Everybody. Most of us have pains and unfulfilled longings that will not be entirely healed in this lifetime. Some of our wounds must simply be endured. However we certainly can help ourselves to think more soundly, be emotionally stable and take effective action in our lives. And we can provide a safe home for launching well-grounded, well-rounded children out into the world. Maybe this will help a little.

My newsletter will appear every 2.0173 weeks. It is free, and you can pass it onto whomever you think might enjoy it. It will have 5 recurring columns, I think. With these titles, probably maybe:

Are You Loving Yourself As You Love Your Neighbor?
	This will always appear, always first. It's The Big Thing. I am convinced that we each arrived as astonishing, unrepeatable miracles here on earth-um, miracles who demanded a LOT OF CARE, by the way. As infants we had a whole-body HUNGER to feel wanted, and to be shown how to fit in. It was our mission to understand the world-or at least OUR world. The way our caretakers felt about us and treated us came to be the way we feel about and treat ourselves. For many of us that whole-body longing to be wanted, to matter, has become a whole-body cringe of self doubt. We feel bad and guilty about who we are, so we drive ourselves in an attempt to feel better. But mostly we just end up feeling more exhausted.

Girl

A person who has healthy self-regard does not inflate himself or negate himself. He sees himself realistically and says what he sees honestly. He is authentic about his own feelings and doesn't resort to false modesty in an effort to extract some praise. You could hear him saying in a straightforward way:

"I was really ON today. My words came to me easily and my ideas were flowing. I knew I was making the points I wanted to make, and that my listeners were really tuned in."

Loving Your Strengths,
Loving Your Weaknesses

It is a delight to be around someone who
simply likes himself that much.

His speech has a certain factual quality. It is not arrogant, but has a courageous truthfulness to it. He is confident in a way that draws, not repels. It is a delight to be around someone who simply likes himself that much. What he could easily say about a friend, he says about himself. Another day he might say with the same unguardedness:

"I just couldn't seem to collect myself and get started. I forgot where I put some of my things, and then I had to retrace my steps several times. Then I locked my keys in the car. What a doofus!"

When a person who loves himself sincerely has something good to report about himself he can do it unselfconsciously. He doesn't doubt himself and he isn't confused about blowing his own horn. In fact the people that turn us off in their arrogance and self absorption are those who are trying too hard to hide how BAD they feel about themselves. And when the person who loves himself makes a mistake, he doesn't eat dirt, or apologize over and over-as though he could never be sorry enough. He takes responsibility for what he did, says so, and makes an honest effort not to repeat the offense. Then he moves on.

I will put a joke or two here. Why? I think healthy humor keeps us balanced. I notice that folks who appreciate the depth and sacredness of life also rejoice in it. Those of us who can sit with the pain and grief of our friends also seem to have a corresponding appetite for lightness and the absurd. Even silliness. I know I do.

A man walked into his psychiatrist's office with a banana in each ear and a carrot stuck in one nostril. He asked, "Doc, what's the matter with me?"

Psychiatrist: "Well, I can see you aren't eating right."

I am often more critical of myself than I am of others-even excessively so. I could particularly be more fair and compassionate to myself in the area of:

   ___________________________________________________

I can readily see the good in others, but find it harder to notice and mention my strengths.   I have a hard time saying that I am good at:

    ___________________________________________________

Sometimes I notice that I have criticized myself with the same words and tone that were used by:

__________________________________________________

For the next week, why not tune into any tendency you have to be self downing. Do you routinely criticize your own efforts? Do you think that help you to be more productive? Is it possible you could be not only more productive, but also more joyous if you help yourself in a more kindly way?

Healthy Steps Through Messy Times
This column features the thoughtful action taken by somebody in a tough spot. Sometimes they experience soaring exuberance in a world of pain and challenge, other times they just muddle through, doing what is right, good and healthy but having little impact on their world. This may	put you in touch with some transcendent times, or it may help you find satisfaction in a job you did well-but-not-perfectly. Maybe you will begin (or continue) to notice the amazing little stories that are swirling in and around you all the time. And to respect yourself for the good you do.

Fat Chick Can't Run?

All those lithe, tanned bodies trimmed in those sleek new running shirts.

This past summer Lana, a 30ish mom of two, wanted to get back to the running she had loved as a lean teen. This many years later she now weighs half again what she had then, and she is extremely self-conscious of her shape, weight and appearance. But Lana started training, then she entered a 5-K run (just over 3 miles). During the time of registration Lana was plenty intimidated milling around with all that youth. All those lithe, tanned bodies trimmed in those sleek new running shirts. Lana used to look like that but on race morning all she felt was big-an-jiggly in her sweats. Her heart was pounding as if, on this brilliant summer day, there was only Lana and Her Hugeness for all the other racers and all the spectators to look at. Until.

Just before the race Lana went into the women's room and stood in line behind a severely deformed woman who also had a number pinned to her front.

Lana was dumfounded. She just gawked: SHE WAS GOING TO RACE? Like THAT? After a couple of seconds Lana felt a personal earthquake shudder all the way through her, realizing that the handicapped racer had never known a time she didn't stand out. There had never been a time she looked as good as the others. She just came and raced anyways.

Lana was set free just SEEING THE OTHER RACER SHOW UP. She took her mark, got set, and strode along with renewed awareness of how delicious it is to be alive-fat or not, fat and all-and how grateful she was for her 'warrior's body'-which had born, birthed and nursed her two wonderful kids. Ah--perspective! Lana finished behind a bunch and ahead of some others. Coming over the crest of a hill she had a persistent urge to weep at the unspeakable privilege to live and breathe and pound for the finish line on a glorious, ordinary day in July.


	Oh yeah! This reminds me of a time when I had my perspective completely changed in a healthy way when: _______________________________________________ I have to admit that for all my limitations, I am so glad I am alive so I can: _______________________________________________

Possibly Made Up Q & A?
Yep, this is one of the oldest tricks in the book-pretending I have been asked a question about something I want to write about. Except I get asked about things like this a lot.

How Much Freedom?

As a parent, cooperate where you can. And remember what it is like to be young.

Q: My 16 year-old son insists he is ready for more freedoms than we think he is ready for. He fights with my husband about it all the time. How can I handle this? -Not a fighter, over yonder.

A: Ah yes, the old tug-of-war between a teen who says, "Give me more freedoms-right now!" and the parent who insists, "No not now-not till I say so!" How can families negotiate this transition with more peace, fun and joy?

As a parent, cooperate where you can. And remember what it is like to be young. Is your child basically trustworthy? Are you being suspicious and controlling in an attempt to lessen your own anxiety? One of the really difficult tasks of parenthood is LETTING GO of our kids.

They do get to grow up and move on, and live their life as they choose. In the teen years they are individuating-deciding what they will take on for themselves of their parents' values, and in what ways they will differ. We can't control that, although we can and should try to influence our children, nudging them towards what is good and healthy and wise.

There are times when you will have to say No! Say it softly and firmly and hold to it: "My dear son, I would be going against everything I stand for to let you date a girl now. I cannot give you my permission. We have both expressed ourselves and now I have the final word. I am trying to live up to my responsibility as a parent even though we have a deep disagreement on this point. Now can you and I talk about some things that would bring you joy that I will be able to approve of? In other words, if you can't date now-and you cannot-what would be your second choice? Shall you and I catch a movie? I would love to spend some time with you..."

Want to Know a Little More?

This is designed to keep you fascinated and grateful for your life. An antidote to boredom, discontent and being buried in trivia. I want to help you keep plugged into the joy and abundance that are all around you every day. Yes, even with your pain.

About 8 million new blood cells are born and 8 million die in your body every second. It takes oh, 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circulate through your entire body. Each of your RBCs lives about 4 months, and may make a quarter million trips through your circulatory system!

I have a web site that tells you more about who I am, what my credentials are and how I think. You can gain more of a sense of my morals and spiritual values there as well. I will store this series of newsletters there and also offer other help such as:

If Someone You Care about Is in Crisis Right Now

You Are More than Your Looks

How to Help Others Without Exhausting Yourself

Excerpts from my 10 by 10 Workbook

Suicidality

An Invitation to my 10 by 10 Funshops

Ways to Contact Me

Hey! Feel free to drop by
for a look at:
http://www.10by10davidloftus.com