You may have come here because you are a little curious about me. Maybe a friend-of-a-friend forwarded my 10 by 10 newsletter to you, and you are intrigued by it. Now you wonder, “Who IS this guy? Is he a flake?” I will do my best to be open with you, and you can decide.

Some of my newsletter may sound good to you, but you are rightly concerned about who wrote it, and what qualifications that person has. Can’t say I blame you—I am the same way myself with new things I read. I wonder “Who is this guy?” and “Does he really know what he is talking about?” And I want to know “If he is going to give advice, is his OWN life reasonably consistent and wise?” Same as you—right? The words of a person are only half of his message. His wise course of life matters even more. Does this guy walk his own talk?

At the same time, many of us can use some help and don’t want to miss out on a good resource. These are tough times. We don’t want to miss good help but there is so much shrieking and over-promising. We have become cautious about taking experts at face value. There has been so much betrayal of trust. We need help, but we are hesitant to trust, since we have seen—and may know personally—those who pretend to care but are out for their own benefit. Yep, there is so much “help” that really isn’t helpful at all.

I’m 53 and I live in Rochester, NY. I have been one of Jehovah’s Witnesses for 34 years. I am a regular Witness, glad to support the meetings and field service. I fully, cheerfully support all of our teachings. I don’t want the organization to change. It’s fine just as it is, and I am proud and grateful to be a member. Much of what is good and wise in my life I owe to the boundaries and protection of being safe in the flock of Jehovah’s people.

I have also made my living as a practicing psychotherapist for the past 11 years. I received a master’s degree in counseling in 1994 and have received hundreds of additional hours of training since that time. I am a Nationally Certified Counselor, which means I voluntarily belong to a professionally credentialing body (National Board of Certified Counselors) that monitors the ethics and practices of its members. You can check on me there, if you like. You will find I have no complaints against me, and no disciplinary action taken against me.

Of course not all credentialed psychotherapists are competent, but anyone who practices psychotherapy without the necessary education is taking an irresponsible risk. I know it happens all the time, but it is a very bad idea. (By the way, in whatever area you seek help for yourself or your loved ones, I urge you to make sure that those who are providing the help are qualified, credentialed and/or licensed. I understand there is a big backlash against traditional western medicine for all of its impersonality—and sometimes mistakes. I understand that folks want their feelings to be considered, and that they want to be looked at as a whole person, not just as a gall bladder or a hysterectomy. Fair enough. Me, too. But please be very thoughtful about the care you seek. I see folks sometimes being what I consider overly suspicious of medicine and overly trusting towards fringy non-medical alternatives.)

What about psychotherapy and our faith: is there a conflict between them? Well, my opinion is that there COULD be, but I don’t think there HAS TO BE, because ‘there is no wisdom in opposition to Jehovah.’ (Proverbs 21:30) You and I can decide in advance that the only therapy ideas or techniques we will consider using are methods that do not conflict with what our Heavenly Father has taught us. You will find if you read here at my web site, or in my workbook, or at a funshop with me that I only offer information that is in keeping with my deeply held spiritual values. And you would notice that many of the things I say remind you of familiar principles about personal conduct which are written in the Bible. Conflict resolved? I think so. In my face-to-face work with folks in my office I almost never have any problems in this area. We resolve them quickly and easily, and move on.

Living by enlightening Bible morals has lifted us up and ennobled us in ways far beyond what most of us would have achieved on our own. They bring out the best in us, and for that we owe our God much and deep thanks.

And while our Heavenly Father has surpassing wisdom, he leaves a lot of choices up to us. He lets us decide even though he knows better than us. He backs off and lets us learn by doing. We become in good measure the authors of our own story that way. We decide what is important to us, and what interests we will follow up on. Which ones we will let float by. We have to become informed and make decisions about our nutrition and exercise. If we choose not to get to know more about our health and well-being THAT is a choice, too.

So, yes, it is up to me to decide how I am going to treat my heart. And if I should marry. And whom. Should I have any kids? Have a valve replaced in my heart? Should I do aerobic exercise? Should I have a retirement account—and where would I invest it? Do I need a carbon monoxide detector in my home? Should I work and put my child in day care? Should I walk alone at night in the city? Should I take prozac? Does my puppy need obedience school? Should I send my child to college—and which one?—and for how long? Do I need to know CPR? How many beers can I safely drink in an evening? How much freedom do I allow my teenager?

Let’s not lose sight of the BIG things: we live in the last days, awaiting God’s mighty saving act at
Harmagedon. What we are all trying to do is hang on until the Real Solution for All of Our Problems gets here. Each of us has ideas about what will help us till then: herbs or no herbs, low carbs or not. Those are not the big things. Let’s see those as personal choices—no more reason to divide us than wearing different clothing styles. OK?

What I offer, I offer gently. I am not pushy, even though I do have conviction about the value of the things I am presenting. But I respect that you will make up your own mind, and I wish you every success. I have no strong desire to be Right and to prove others Wrong. Uh-uh. Your well-being and your salvation are the most important things to me. Really.

I see us as all in the same life boat together, interdependent on each other’s support and encouragement. I offer what I know in that spirit. If it is of help to you—great. Use what you can. Disagree where you will. I will support you and your wellness any way you can get there!

Because of our experiences as children, some of us may find it very hard to tolerate disagreement. In our family of origin we may have felt much pressure to agree or else be ridiculed or abandoned. Even as adults we may be quick to interpret disagreement as DISAPPROVAL and REJECTION. Then to protect ourselves we may seek out others with the same opinion as ours and JUDGE the person who has a different opinion. Do you feel some pressure that way—that you have to CONVINCE another person to see things your way? It can be real work for us to learn how to disagree and still stay in a close, connected relationship with someone. One of my dearest friends is a fellow about 10 years older than me who views almost all the personal areas of life in a much more conservative way than I do. (Gasp! Can you imagine?) We could hardly be more different, and yet we are both fascinated and delighted that we continue to find the goodness and love in each other all these years.

Being a Witness really does place us in another culture, as you very well know. We say we are no part of the world and it is true that we have many traits and values it would take a non-Witness a long time to understand. We think of verses like those at 1 Corinthians 1:27 where Paul says “God chose the foolish things of the world, that he might put the wise men to shame.” So I have observed that some Witnesses are not likely to approach a non-Witness for help or, if they do, they are likely to hold back from telling some of their story, especially if they think it would reflect poorly on our faith. I know, not everybody. But one of the comments I hear most when folks call me is that they want to talk to me “because you are a Witness.” So I am offering my experience to a wider readership in my newsletter, web site and book. I hope you find it helpful and supportive.

I have given this a lot of thought, and I will level with you. I have worked through a lot of my own woundedness over the past 15 years, and arrived at a fairly settled state of self love. I realize that my absolute favorite thing to do with my time, energy and attention is to talk deeply with others about who we are and how we can grow into our best possible selves. I thrive on the depth and intimacy of such conversations. And by now I know a lot about what helps us to grow and heal, so I look forward to such interchanges all the more. I love to work with and support folks as they transcend the pain in their life and get well. I find such interchanges very meaningful and rewarding. Get it? I get to spend much of my time each day with persons of substance and depth. Quiet moral heroes. I love it.

Hmm. Do you suspect that my motives sound maybe, a little too good to be true? Well, I do get paid for the work I do at my office. And if you want to buy one of my 10 by 10 workbooks I will make some money on that. And, just like you, I DO require an income to live on.

But that’s not the real payoff for me. I like the human contact.

I like the depth. I like meeting new folks. I like sharing what I know because I am convinced it can help. I like to open myself up to others and I like having them match me in openness and care. I like seeing the Aha! Look on the face of people as they understand themselves and move past some of their old hurts. I feel full-to-bursting for all the precious moments of deep interaction with brave and angry and hurt humans who have trusted me with their story. They have honored me, and I have taken good care of their trust.

When I was writing the 10 by 10 workbook, I was advised by another therapist “don’t tell everything you know in the first book, otherwise you won’t have anything else to write.” I thought about that advice, and I disagree with it down to the deepest part of me. I want to share everything I know, freely and for free where possible. I am holding nothing back, but doing my best to give away what helps. You decide for yourself what you want, but you are welcome to all I offer. And in the places where I find I have to charge—like for my workbook or Funshop, I think you will find the price is fair to you, fair to me.

Oh, that am I am getting older. Researchers suggest that there is a stage of life they are calling “generativity” when experienced persons in their 50s and later feel a hankering to pass on what they know. Maybe that has a little to do with it, too…

The field of psychotherapy is sometimes an embarrassing one to be in. Some of the things that practitioners have done are goofy, some are inept, and some are abusive and harmful. But that’s not the whole story. There are some really solid things that have been learned and that can bring people a lot of relief. I want you to have what works, without having to sift through the chaff for a long time.

That is why I wrote my 10 by 10 workbook. It is the book I wish I could have walked in, found and read 15 years ago. Although my style of writing and teaching is um, original, almost none of the ideas in the book are. Loving Yourself as You Love Your Neighbor (chapter 1) is not a new idea. I didn’t invent that. But I think I describe the concept well, and I especially think I have a knack for presenting exercises that are healing. My book can help you not only better understand the concept of self love, but much more to heal in ways that make life easier to bear. I have worked with these ideas a lot and had lots of fun batting them around in workshops. They are good and fun and helpful, and I would love to have you join me in one of my “Are You Loving Yourself as You Love Your Neighbor?” funshops.

The information I present on male DOMINATION and female APPEASEMENT is not new either, but I say it in a well-organized way. There are other books on the same subjects—lots of them. But in about 30 pages I say the same, and I say it well, and I particularly point to changes that make a difference. See what you think. Both of these chapters are posted at If You Are a Man With An Anger Problem and If You Are a Girl Dating a Controlling Male which you can find after you open menu item Is Someone in Crisis?. Help yourself, please.

I believe the chapter I have written on Genuineness is A-Lot-in-a-Little-Space, as well. Practicing those skills can really bring you out onto the dance floor—involved and participating in your own life! Taking a few chances that really bring you zest! I have posted this chapter over at menu item The 10 by 10 Workbook so you can have a coffee and flip through it before you decide whether or not you want to own it. Same as at Borders. Be my guest…

So that’s a bunch about me. I am being as open as I can think of with you. You know the most important things about me now, and if you learned more it would be pretty consistent with what I have presented here.

If you want me to know something about you—if you have a comment on what you have read here, or a question—I would be glad to hear from you, whether you agree or disagree with me. You can leave it up the street on this site at If You’d Like to Contact Me.

Thanks for stopping by, friend. I wish you peace and wisdom in your life, and wellness for all those whom you love.