The 10 by 10 Workbook

I think you are really going to like my book. And I think you are going to find it very helpful. I wrote the book I wish I had found myself a few years back. It didn’t exist then, but now it does.

My 10 by 10 newsletter grows out of this book and brings you back to this book. It is the book I wish I could have walked into a library and found as a teen or young adult. It has um, you know, The Secret to Life in 200+ pages.

I will provide you with a flip-through here so you can make up your mind about whether you think it would be of help to you.

Here is what the book is about:

Infant humans have a deep craving to find our place in the world, to be wanted and to make a contribution. We really just wanted to be good neighbors and citizens when we were first dropped off on planet earth. But most of us did not get our longing for nourishment entirely filled and that has crippled us emotionally. So we continue to wonder if we matter or if we have any worth. I call this the primary wound to humans, our hurt sense of self. Then we may try to soothe ourselves by giving to others till we drop, or any number of other unhealthy distractions.

10 by 10 describes this wound, and even better describes how to heal. And even better than that? The book has a lot of interactive exercises which will help you heal and feel relief if you go through them slowly and thoughtfully.

The 10 by 10 concept is that there are certain vital skills we could have absorbed easily by the time we were 10, and that would have made a big difference in how we feel about ourselves. For the sake of a snappy title, I organized these into 10 chapters. These vital skills help us find our place in our world—in our family of origin, with a mate, with our kids, with our friends, even with our God. Knowing these skills provides us with a stable base—a reasonably solid place on which to build. And if we didn’t get that from our folks, we can drill down into bedrock ourselves and set up our own base. As the title says, it would have been e-e-easier if your parents had known and shown us. But that almost never happens, because THEIR PARENTS—your grandpas and grandmas—didn’t have it to give, either.

Although you are no longer a child, you may still carry hurts from that time in your life—consciously or unconsciously. We are primarily affected by things we experience as small children. In fact the younger we are, the more they may affect us. Researchers are telling us these days that our very earliest experiences—good or bad, healthy or unhealthy—actually become the way our brain is wired. Our outside experiences are absorbed, so that our inner world comes to be a reflection of our outer world. We become hard-wired like our environment. When we are very young (say, less than 3) we will not likely have explicit recall of such experiences. But we definitely DO recall The Sum Total of the experiences—a bottom line lesson such as “I am afraid,” or “they like me better when I am quiet.” Such experiences and conclusions affect and reflect the very way our brain is put together. It is only after this much of our brain has been developed that we then develop the ability to start to explicitly recall experiences we had. This is described in more detail I chapter 1, along with ways to grow yourself some new neural circuits as an adult. You’ll like the emphasis on all the things you can do to help yourself move ahead, healing yourself and providing yourself opportunities for growth.

It isn’t that hard to raise yourself, starting now. The concepts are simple, although actually doing them—really staying on track—will be challenging to you.

Here are the 10 by 10 contents:

Vital Skill #1:
“I will take really good care of myself.”

Vital Skill #2:
“I will treat others with love and respect, even if I don’t feel it yet.”

Vital Skill #3:
“I will really enjoy how GOOD I am feeling!”

Vital Skill #4:
“I will be as efficient as kindess allows.”

Vital Skill #5:
“I am responsible for controlling my own feelings.”

Vital Skill #6:
“I have to speak up for myself sometimes.”

Vital Skill #7:
“I can say truthful things with respect and skill.”

Vital Skill #8:
“If I use my anger carefully, it will help me in my life.”

Vital Skill #9:
“I will remember that we all fear many of the same things.”

Vital Skill #10:
“I will examine my own thoughts and feelings before I speak or act.”

And Here Is Chapter 7.

If you like, make yourself a cup of tea and sit and enjoy these 21 pages. This chapter is about building skills in communicating, especially but not only for couples. I hope you find it enlightening. It is my gift to you.

(If you want to read more of 10 by 10 for free, I have posted chapter 5 under menu item Is Someone in Crisis? at

If You Are a Man With an Anger Problem, and chapter 6 under menu item If Someone is in Crisis? under Are You a Woman Who Is Being Abused by Your Husband? I think the information is too important not to share it.)

Click here to read Chapter 7 of the 10 by 10 Workbook