(10 by 10 Workbook Chapter 7 continued)

A Healthy, Genuine Way to Deal With Anger

A big mistake many of us make when we are angry is to act it out on those around us. And the people around us are usually our family members whom we most love. The boss puts pressure on you at work and you don't dare to stand up to him because he is the boss. Then you come home and DISPLACE your feelings onto your mate and children because they don't dare to stand up to you. I am sorry you were mistreated at work but you lost any of my sympathy when you came home and DID THE VERY SAME THING to your family. You are no longer just the victim of abuse. You are also a perpetrator—and perpetuator—of it.

Want to hear a better idea?

TALKING ABOUT your anger in an intense way is very different from TAKING IT OUT on your family. Your mate wants to help you and is sympathetic to your distress but she does not want to stand there and be run down by you the way you were by your boss. So you have to muster enough self-restraint so that she is sure you won't turn on her, making her the enemy.

Ideally you could come home and say to her "I am so mad! I am in a rotten mood and I feel like yelling or lashing out at someone!" WITHOUT ACTUALLY LASHING OUT AT HER. Tell her your foul mood is about work. Don't come home and pick a fight with her.

Continue as you need to, but be sure that your mate DOES NOT BECOME YOUR TARGET. Your aim here is to have your mate hear you out, showing care and respect for the difficulty you are going through as you talk about it in a safe way. Your mate can validate and tolerate what you are going through IF YOU DON'T TURN ON HER AND DISPLACE/MISPLACE IT ONTO HER. This way you both stay on the same side, allies. You don't make her your enemy.

And if you are the listener, you don't have to come up with a lot of clever suggestions, or fix the problem right then and there. You can just listen and then you can say, "Yes, dear, I see you are really upset. This is really bothering you. Right now we can't think of any step to take that would make much difference, but I want you to know that I am willing to stand by you and listen and support you as long as you need me. And I really appreciate the way you are expressing yourself without turning on me. I really respect you for that. As angry as you are, I trust you are able to contain it."

That's a lot. And that's enough.

Putting It All Together

When a piece of wooden furniture is broken, it can be repaired by using carpenter's glue. After that the broken place, now fortified with glue, is much stronger than the surrounding natural wood. The piece could break again in another place but it will not break in the place where it was glued. What had been the broken place has now become the STRONGEST.

When we present our most genuine self to another person in working through a difference or conflict, we are creating an opportunity to strengthen that relationship, just the way glue does to broken wood. Whether with our mate or someone else, conflict—handled with genuineness and skill—is an invitation to a deeper connection and stronger relationship than we had before the difference arose. Fixing the break.

So while in the past you may have dreaded and retreated from conflict, maybe now you will be intrigued by the possibility that conflict can be THE WAY INTO some delicious times of connection and strengthened relationships. If you will just tolerate those initial moments of tenseness and you have the courage to meet the other person with genuineness, your disagreement may be the doorway to some of the most enlivened, pleasant times of you life. Disagreement? Leading to enlivened—and PLEASANT? Really?

Really. Give it a try. You could have done it as a 10 year old, and you can certainly do it now.

Making Application in Your Life

1 A couple of things I learned and want to remember from this chapter are:

2 I can see myself using this new learning by

3 A first, gentle step I can take is

4 I might be able to get some support or encouragement by sharing what I have learned with

5 I will not expect too much too soon by

6 But I will hold myself responsible to

Wilbur:

Beatrice:

Wilbur:

(Just home from his job, and in a stressed but controlled voice) Hon, I need some help with my feelings. I had an awful day at work. Can you hear me talk about them for a few minutes?

Yes, I can listen. You can tell me about your day if you don't start treating me with anger. Remember I am not the one who has hurt you. I am the one who loves you and wants to help you. Now go ahead.

Thanks. Your calmness really helps me to stay grounded. I was under so much pressure today! They expect me to do the work of three people… (and he continues)

Here is where
you can order
10 by 10

Let’s Talk a Moment about
Doing Business with Integrity

In my work, in my book and in any of my communications to you, I will try to be the same person of integrity. I make every effort to be not only honest, but easy to understand, uncomplicated, predictable. And definitely trustworthy. I insist that I carry out the business side of any exchange you and I have with the same love-for-each-other that I write about. I hold a strong, equal love for your interests and my own.

So I charge a reasonable price—fair to me, fair to you. I will only put my name on work that I am sure to be true and helpful. My relationships with readers and clients are the most important thing. And my reputation. Over the years I have charged an amount for my services that is fair and even a little under the going rate. I try to make my services accessible to as many as possible. Yet I have to live too, and I can’t exhaust myself.

I am expecting you to feel loved and well treated even in the value you get from me. I am used to folks being very satisfied with my work. Not that I never make mistakes—I do and I take responsibility for them, and then I fix them. That’s how hurt relationships get to be healed ones.

I think you will like doing business with me. I am fair, and I want you to come away as happy as I am. Sound like a reasonable place to start? I am deeply dismayed at the profit-motive world of capitalism, which uses exaggeration and trickery to get folks to buy what they can’t-quite-see. I refuse any such tactic. I want you to know what you are getting, and be completely happy with it. Oh, and pay me for it.

If You Don’t Like the Book…

If you don’t like the 10 by 10 work book you can have all your money back, including the postage. You don’t have to send it back. I am not interested in tricking anyone, or getting people to make impulse purchases. My book is way too solid for that. I have written it and offer it with only good will and a sincere desire to help, and I expect that folks will not have any trouble identifying my motives and general level of care and ability. I only want to help and serve. My reputation as an honorable man and practitioner is way more important than beating anybody out of $24. I predict very few returns, but if you want to you can tell me you want it back and I will return it as promptly as I can, with no argument. I would appreciate your feedback, which might help me clarify some of things I say in future writing.

At the same time I don’t appreciate being inconvenienced by folks who pay me but then bounce their check, or otherwise don’t simply live up to the terms of our transaction. Respect yourself enough and hold yourself to the high standard of dealing honestly. It is the way of love for yourself and for me.

Hey! Let’s you and me really try to LIVE this stuff! And let’s start right here, right now!