(10 by 10 Workbook Chapter 7 continued)
How to Speak Up When You are Scared to
Speak Up
There isn't any magic. You
just have to summon the courage and do it. Your fear may
be an overreaction in the present left from those days when you
were paralyzed with fright as a kid. These tips may help
train you in a wiser way of handling conflict. If all
goes well here, and if you practice in your daily life, you
will make some new connections in your neural network, and
enjoy the peaceful results in your life.
Take your subject seriously, but
go lightly and gently. Be easy to listen to. Don't
attack, belittle, or use sarcasm. Speak with the hopeful
straightforwardness that will bring out the best in both of
you.
When it is time to bring up a subject
that is important to you, try this:
Please stay with me on the
subject I brought up. And your voice has gotten a bit
louder, too. Will you please lower it and speak with less
intensity? You could add in an obvious move to include
humor: otherwise I just may have myself a little pout and sit
here all day. Thank you, dear. Now what ingenious
thing were you about to say, my Splendid Dumpling?
After the discussion thank your
mate for being a good sport or playing fair and move on.
Don't take their good will for granted—notice it,
appreciate it and warmly let them know. Thank them
whenever they show the progress you had hoped for and if things
slip back to the old way, speak up in a few days with the same
kind spirit. Don't let things slide all the way back to
zero. Be graciously, gently persistent. Working
through times like this will leave you feeling great about
yourself and closer to your mate.
Defensiveness
If we love ourselves in a healthy
way we can laugh off our minor mistakes and readily apologize
for our bigger ones. We know our strengths and
weaknesses, and when a mistake is pointed out to us we can
accept it, even if it pinches a little. Defensiveness is
that human tendency to strongly deny or distract when one of
our mistakes is revealed. A person may frantically defend
because he doesn't have a sense that most of his flaws are just
normal human stuff. He may (unconsciously) be mortified
that he will be exposed as much WORSE than any body else,
because he really feels that way about himself. So we can
understand his impulse to justify, minimize, change the
subject, or counterattack. But it sure gums up genuine
communication. Between mates. Even between friends:
Pete:
Tyrone:
Pete:
Tyrone:
Pete:
(very frustrated and speaking angrily)
Ty, you are an hour late picking me up! I don't even feel
like going to the mall now. Where have you been?
(immediately stiffens) Look, I had to
stop and get gas, and besides we still have an hour and a half before
the stores close. I know you have never been late to anything in
your whole life, Perfect Pete. In fact you deverything right,
Perfect Pete. That's you—Perfect Pete. (then retreats
into a loud silence)
Pete's accusing comments here are not as
tactful as they might be, but when Tyrone gets so defensive their
interchange becomes paralyzed. It could quickly become even
hotter—or colder. Both sides feel like they have been
wronged and try to communicate that by tossing verbal grenades.
Pete feels exasperated because Tyrone arrived so late, and Tyrone
tries to deflect attention from his lateness by objecting to Pete's
impatience. A more positive replay of the episode might sound
like this
(upset, but controlled) Hey, Ty. Is
everything OK? I thought you were picking me up at 7:00 and it is
almost 8:00. Did I misunderstand the time?
No, you are right. I'm sorry, I just
couldn't get going today. I felt like I was in slow motion all
day long. I
should have called you. Then half way here I saw I was almost out of gas, so I had to stop. If you still want to go to the mall we can, or if you want we can do something else…
should have called you. Then half way here I saw I was almost out of gas, so I had to stop. If you still want to go to the mall we can, or if you want we can do something else…
(more softly) Yeah, I guess if we leave
right now it will still be worth it…
It was up to Tyrone to take
responsibility for his lateness and to do what he could to
salvage the evening with Pete. It was easier for Tyrone
when Pete was more understanding, but even when Pete was
showing exasperation Tyrone would have done better with
genuineness than defensiveness. Tyrone's genuineness was
calming, honored Pete's feeling of annoyance and made an
opening for the boys to get back to peace and get on with their
evening.
Even if we have a healthy amount
of regard for ourselves, there are days when we can still fall
back into pride and defensiveness. "Oh sure—I
have my faults all right—but THAT'S not one of
them!" Oops. Laugh, redirect, and move on.
You can likely recall times when
you were effective in getting through and having some genuine
contact with another person, and times you were not.
Maybe they were defensive, maybe you held back a little
from speaking authentically. Recall some of these:
1 A time I was able to skillfully get
through to my mate was:
 |
2 When someone tries to talk to
me about a sensitive subject I have used these defenses:
(tears? anger? silence?)
|
|
3 At times I wish people could
read my mind so I wouldn’t have to bring up
|
|
4 Some of the defenses that
people use that really stump me are
|
|
(scorn? threats? tears? leaving?)
5 Something that means a lot to
me but is hard to talk about is
|
|
6 Some defenses my mate tends to
use are:
|
|
7 A time I pretended to agree
when I really didn't was:
|
|
Living in Gridlock
I have met couples who avoided
genuineness and avoided saying what was real for them for
years. Over time they had the same fights with the same
outcomes again and again. They became isolated even
though they were married. Both partners were hurt,
disappointed and bitter, but neither could see the way to fix
it. They may both have fantasized about leaving or having
a chance to remarry and try again.
Some of these couples had been so
hurt and so hurtful for so long that there wasn't much of a
marriage left to save. Even if they said they shared many
of the same beliefs and values, there just wasn't much good
will left. No more hope, no more optimism, no more
forgiveness.
Genuineness might have helped in
these cases. That includes the ability to use genuineness
skillfully—which takes practice. If you decide it
is too difficult or too scary to sit down and reveal what you
really want to your mate you, too, may end up in a loveless
gridlock. If you do not constructively call on your mate
to drop his armor and meet you in a more authentic
conversation, then you may both lapse into stereotypic roles
where the things that matter never get addressed and helped.
Here is a conversation that starts with frustration and
alienation, but then has a breakthrough:
