Genuineness is the ability to show the biggest part of yourself exactly as you are. It is openness, a revealing of your truest self.

Authenticity and realness are also synonyms. Genuineness honors who you really are and what is important to you without disguising or trying to figure out what another person wants to hear.

Please understand: genuineness is not the same as blurting out the first thing that comes to your mind. It is not the same as saying "You are getting fat and your hair looks greasy." That is bluntness, and bluntness does not build relationships. Genuineness is not saying everything that comes to mind, but sifting and saying the things that are most important to you. The things that let another person know WHAT IS GOING ON INSIDE YOU. The things that let the other person draw and feel closer to you.

Why show yourself? Why not hold back? Doesn't it make you vulnerable to reveal the things that mean a lot to you, or your weaknesses? Maybe, maybe not.

Genuineness can be disarming. (The custom of shaking hands may have to do with revealing that no weapon was being held or concealed.) Genuineness says, "Let's not engage in a lot of gamesmanship. Let's just talk simply and try to get through this." It takes a little guts to be genuine first, but the other person may respect your initiative and start to match you. You bring them into a game that you want to play, rather than stepping onto a playing field that you don't understand, don't have patience with and don't believe in. You are easy to understand and you invite the other person to say exactly what is going on for them.

We have just spent two chapters exploring how men tend to rely on domination and women use appeasement as roundabout strategies to get their needs for attention, wantedness and love met. Could couples use genuineness as a healthier approach to healing the relationship between an alienated husband and wife? Let's see if we can find a way.

To those who are married and those who will be: we each choose a mate who is perfectly poised to both pick our scabs and help heal our wounds. Consciously you might say that you selected your mate because you like they way they look, their values, personal traits and stated goals. Fair and true. But at the same time your vast unconscious brain was also sizing them up (as they were sizing YOU up) for how well they would fit into your family script. Yes, courtship was, for both of you, a TRYOUT for a supporting role in each other's Family Play.

Based on your experiences growing up, you have a highly detailed mental picture of what the man will and will not do, and what the woman always and never does. Without ever stopping to write it all down, you are carrying a long list of expectations around with you, which you hold up for those you choose to audition. We all do it, it's the most obvious thing, and yet nobody talks about it.

So both of you are trying to fit each other into your own family of origin's script, which—big surprise!—leads to difficulty and conflict.

For a while you will yank back and forth, each trying to get the other to play by YOUR FAMILY'S rules. This can be discouraging, exasperating and may seem hopelessly complicated at times. But hang in there with each other. While you guys were each chosen for your potential to continue unhealthy patterns, you are also well placed to help each other HEAL AND FLOURISH in ways that will feel good for decades into the future. You are going to have to deal with your unconscious expectations for marriage and family sooner or later—here or there—so why not commit to working on yourself RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, in THIS marriage? After a while the two of you can get a little playful, even. In fun you can laugh and shriek, "Yikes! I really DID marry my father!"

As you work through some of these early conflicts you may enjoy some deep-hearted moments of connection and intimacy. When you and your mate see how each other has been wounded emotionally and how hard each has struggled to get well, you will have deepened respect for each other. You will admire your mate's strengths and appreciate them for sticking with you through the times when you were less than your best self. You become allies. A certain softness and dearness sets into your relationship.

Here are some ways you can scan for greater awareness of the influence of your parents' marriage on your selection of a mate, or on your present married life. Not all of these will fit for you but some may fit in a striking way. Smile about it. At first you may only be able to see ways that you are NOT like them. And if you expend a lot of energy being the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of one of your parents, that is an influence on you as well. Don't lose sight of the big picture in all the details. Ask your spouse for some helpful feedback, too. Or ask your siblings how you remind them or either of your parents.

1 I see myself acting like my mom when I

2 I see myself acting like my dad when I

3 I feel myself acting like I did when I was a child when I

4 I can see how my mate reminds me of my mom in

5 My mate reminds me of my dad when

6 My mate knows he can really hurt me by

7 I know my mate is really sensitive to

8 I can see how I act ____________________ and try to get my mate to

9 Sometimes my mate will try to provoke me by

10 I see I go to great lengths to be different from my family by

If you grew up in a family where your parents were sticklers for respect and conformity, they may not have welcomed expressions of your feelings or preferences. So you may have learned to hide them. There may be times you recall that your differentness was met with rejection. Did you then grow up fearful and over compliant? Now, decades later, in the face of disagreement or conflict, does your nervous system seize in whole-body fear—like you were still a small child at the mercy of a very angry adult? If so, it's no wonder you try to avoid conflict, even at your own expense!

At the other extreme, you may have responded angrily as a child, and pushed back with all your might. Maybe you protested everything. Or maybe you learned to do some of both—sometimes too fearful, sometimes too angry—depending on the subject at hand.

When we handle conflict in the present it may again go badly, as we often saw in our family of origin. But handling important disagreements with genuineness may also lead you to some surprisingly GOOD OUTCOMES, too. Up until now, maybe you have never thought of disagreement as an opening for STRENGTHENING AND IMPROVING your relationships. Can you imagine?

You can practice genuineness by speaking the little and big truths that mean the most to you. Lots of smaller annoyances are better left unsaid, but there are times when, if you don't speak up, you are no longer representing the real YOU. You would be hiding yourself. When you care a lot about a matter it is time to speak up. Don't let the old fears keep you shut down.

If on the other hand you tend to come on strong, as if you are still defending yourself from your overbearing parents, you can rest now. Those days are behind you, and you outlasted them. Take a couple of deep breaths, lower your volume and speak in a friendly way.

Think about how your family handled differences and disagreements. Was dad always right? Did mom claim some turf that he left to her? Were conflicts loud? Silent? Dangerous? Constructive? Chaotic?

1 When I was young I remember saying I felt differently about

2 I recall this time when I was myself and it went well for me:

3 I recall this time when I was myself and I felt embarrassed:

4 I remember really wanting to say

5 A part of myself that I hid from others was