When God made the first woman to be Adam's wife, "as a complement to him," I would say he had a VERY GOOD IDEA there! (Gen 2:20) Adam was given a made-to-order companion to share all the marvelous discoveries there in the Garden of Eden—and whatever wonders would come afterwards! Adam would be immeasurably enriched by Eve's presence. She would be his confidant, his lover, supporter and fellow explorer. She would bring all those dear, feminine, home-and-hearth comforts. Eve would ease and delight his every day in dozens of small ways.

When we humans are our most healthy, noble selves a woman may prefer to lend support to her husband and family, following his overall direction. And when we are at our best this happens in a flexible way, allowing each mate to give their best and welcome the talents of the other. A very good idea, indeed!

As I described in chapter 5, the original balance of power was drastically disrupted after the sin of Eve and Adam. Now he would not just give considerate direction—he would "dominate." And despite any overuse of power on his part, she would still "crave" him, longing for the protection and provision that a male might—or might not—make for her and their children. She would end up settling for what he gave, and might even stay with him when he was hurting them more than he was protecting and providing. —Genesis 3:16.

And this has been the lot of women and girls down through time. There are exceptions and times of role-reversal. Some men have identified more with the nurturer role and acted in a submissive way, seeking out more dominating wives. Same old power struggle, with each gender changing ends of the teeter-totter. But lets focus on what happens most of the time, with most women and men.

In our time, wives have generally been handed—and they have accepted—the role of emotional shock absorber for their husbands. Even all these years after Genesis 3, men have tended to keep themselves in the family spotlight by their overuse of power and wives have taken it upon themselves to fix whatever is bugging the man—all the while making it look to the outside world that EVERYTHING IS JUST FINE! in this family.

Girls and boys in western culture grow up saturated in this emotional climate. From family to family some dads are more harsh, some moms are more forthright, but the male/female struggle for say-so comes to the surface again and again: who will make determinations about money and spending? Discipline/freedoms of the children? Relationships with in-laws? Housework and cooking? Sex? Hobbies and vacations? Family friendships? Whatever current struggle is being played out, it is likely just the latest manifestation of the same underlying tug of war: who is going to get their way, and who is going to have to put up with not getting their way? Due to their power advantage, as well as their willingness to use it forcefully, men usually get their way. And women—manipulated and fearful of losing their man—most often back up and take what he dishes out.

Millions of boys have seen and felt their over controlling dads act OUTRAGEOUSLY towards their family. When these boys grow up they (unconsciously) search out a wife who will passively stand by as he ACTS OUT THE RAGE he felt towards his dad (and to a lesser extent, his mom) on his own wife and children in the next generation. Little girls who watched their mothers put up with emotional abuse have been set up for the same role themselves. Remember, girls are NATURALLY ORIENTED TO SUPPORTING AND SERVING—those beautiful feminine attributes that God instilled in women. They may frantically employ these traits all the more if they have watched their moms try to soothe and calm an angry man who often WASN'T EVEN TRYING to soothe and control himself. Over and over the girl likely saw her mom back up and shut up when her husband was demanding or displeased. And so this girl and millions more like her have been socialized, trained, PROGRAMMED to grow up and do more of the same. The girl came to believe that when the man was upset, it was the woman's job to fix it. And if she didn't, he had the right to take it out on her. Crazy, right? Sad, too.

As a girl you may have been very disappointed in the way you saw your mother try to cope with her life. By 10 or so, you may have been trying to comfort your mother in her distress, or you may even have been one of the kids who urged her mom to leave her dad because of his cruelty. Or by that age you may have been consoling—yes, MOTHERING—YOUR OWN MOTHER. Yet while your mom's decisions were distasteful to you and you disagreed with what she did, she was also training you to do as she had done. Your youthful impulse was healthy and told you, "This isn't fair and it isn't right!" But your mom taught you to be scared and weak—not strong—in the face of a mad man. And that would also go for any passive behaviors you might have seen in your grandmothers, aunts, older sisters and cousins. While they may have shocked and disgusted you in some ways, they were also—at the same time—LEAVING DEEP IMPRINTS on your neural circuitry. The things you saw your female relatives do basically provide you with most of the repertoire of choices you will reach for later in life. You may SAY that you will never do what they did and you may REALLY DISLIKE what you saw and really intend TO DO DIFFERENT. But unless you come into contact with some much healthier role models, there is a strong likelihood that you will go out and DO THE SAME THINGS YOURSELF—even though you vowed you didn't want to live out your mother's life.

Why would you relive all that suffering, when you hated it and are so determined to live differently? Good question, I am glad you asked. The fact is you haven’t seen enough other healthy possibilities in your life. If you have had no exposure to women who were courageous and able to stand up for themselves, then such possibilities just don't occur to you—particularly when you are being pressured or abused. They aren't in your memory banks for your reference. I realize you don't want things this way, but in a scary moment your nervous system will close down your Thinking Brain and default to what you saw your mom do. Sorry, but you will. And you are very apt to feel a magnetic pull towards a man who, at first, SEEMS charming and kind—but that is only the bait. He turns out to be, at least in controllingness, much like your dad.

If youngsters grow up with a dominating father, they may observe him often disrespect his wife by pushing for her to give up her preferences for his. He may step across the line of basic human respect so far and so often that a new—VERY UNHEALTHY—NORMAL is established in their family. There is no discussion and agreement, no real sharing, no forum for addressing his excesses. There is just fear. To keep him quiet the family, starting with mom, backs up. Rather than stand up to his outrageousness, they accommodate and appease. Boys growing up in this culture are afraid when they are young, but then around the time of puberty, when they are getting taller and more self-confident, you may notice them start to talk back, then speak with contempt to their mom and sisters. A miniature of his dad starting to try out his new masculine muscle. Girls who have been raised with these values, around puberty, often start to be fascinated with boys who are lonely and dejected, are misfits, or who sulk—guys they can nurse and fix. The same guys that their moms were drawn to twenty years earlier. The same massive, hopeless rehabilitation programs that take a whole lifetime and still fail.

What has happened? When mom first held her wondrous little newborn son or daughter, this is CERTAINLY NOT the life she saw them living. She was determined that everything would go just right for her baby. But over the years, because her man was so frightening, she made hundreds of little decisions here and there to back down, back up, back off—and all that time THE KIDS WERE BEING TRAINED. Mom just wanted to keep the peace, calm him down for a few moments, get him off her back. But all the while her son was seeing what works for the man, and the daughter was observing the possibilities open to a woman. The girl saw her mom scramble, try harder, take on more and more responsibility for soothing her mad husband. While that dance was going on between her parents, the little girl's internal gauges were being set. They were being set crazy. She saw and came to believe that she was not fully doing her job unless she was doing all of her work and MOST OF HIS WORK, TOO, to keep their relationship going. Later in life this grown up little girl says she “just can't help it” that she feels so responsible, so driven-by-guilt. So she stays connected to some unhealthy, demanding abusive guy. She can barely live with him, and can't imagine leaving him either. Trapped.

Amazingly, this same woman is otherwise so smart and capable, so funny, interesting and with-it. How is it that this bright person, who is so competent in other areas of her life, can have such a blind spot and be so self-defeating, so SELF-DESTRUCTIVE in this vital area? Well, looking back at her training: HOW WOULD SHE NOT HAVE TURNED OUT THIS WAY? When we think about how her mother and father really acted, not the words they said they were living by, how could she turn out any other way? Not only does she put up with it, she tries to cover for him, say it isn't that bad, and she says it like she really believes it herself.

Most of these women even believe that all the family chaos is because SHE doesn't try hard enough. Sigh.

If this information describes you and your life, please don't feel pressured to make any abrupt changes. (Let's not have you quickly transfer your need-to-please from him to trying to do exactly what this book says!) Your condition, this female sickness—APPEASEMENT—has gone on for most women for a long, long time. At first just allow yourself time to get used to a new way of looking at things. Let these ideas wash over you and give yourself some time to try them on. Agree where you agree, and disagree where you don't. Also give yourself some time to notice any tendency you have to defend the way things are, or to justify, or minimize. "Oh, he isn't THAT bad. It doesn't happen that much. A lot of the time he is really very sweet. I am being disrespectful by speaking up to him." Compassionately, truthfully take a look at the way your defenses show up. Those responses are understandable based on the way you were raised, but they may be keeping you and your children stuck in a painful, hurtful life.

Then when you have gathered your thoughts and are feeling confident you might quietly try this: start to declare and live in YOUR OWN REALITY. Listen to yourself, pay attention to your own body. How have you been feeling? How is your health? How is this life working for you? Do you find yourself often tense, or sad, or not wanting to eat? Has binge eating become your consolation? Do you get headaches? Are you chronically depressed, or walking on eggshells around him? Do you love it when he leaves and hate to see him come home? How much of yourself do you have to silence or suppress to avoid displeasing him? Are you and your children terrified of him? First just let yourself feel what is real, and CALL IT WHAT IT REALLY IS.

Take a realistic inventory of how this marriage and family life is going—how much you are getting out of it and how much it is wounding you and your children. What have your kids been saying over the years? What about your friends? Have there been little comments that they think you are being over controlled? The verse said that Eve would "crave" her dominating husband. Is that you, too? If things continue just as they are, without any change, where will you and your kids be five years from today?

Let's hope so, and let's really try to make a go of it. Let's see if you can help it to become safer, more nurturing, more joyous than it has been so far. You and only you know if you are safe in this marriage, and how much toll it is taking on you and your children behind closed doors. If your husband is talking and acting in a crazy way, you and the kids will be feeling crazed. If your husband is way out of control—violent, seriously overdrinking, using illegal drugs, cruel and abusive in his speech—you have to think seriously about the price you are paying to stay with him. Your children will sooner or later feel enraged at their dad for his excesses (while they may also display a surprisingly strong longing for him as well). But they may also feel very exasperated with YOU, their mom, as well for your FAILURE TO PROTECT THEM.

Because he is so volatile and you have been reliable, your kids may outwardly show pity for him and anger to you. (Hey—that's what you have taught them to do so far!) He is not safe enough for them to show how upset they are. So understand that for a while you may be the target of their exasperation, even though you have been the supportive parent. It's one of the stops along the way to wellness.

If you are a woman who takes your marriage vows very seriously you may really agonize over the stay-or-go decision. I respect you for not bailing out of a difficult marriage too soon. And you can respect yourself for being loyal, trying hard and enduring. At the same time, is there anything else you could do to help your marriage besides appeasing and appeasing and enduring and enduring—especially since that is NOT WORKING?

Yes, there is.




		This is Chapter 6 from the 10 by 10 Workbook. The Chapter is entitled:



			He's Usually Not THIS Bad When God made the first woman to be Adam's wife, "as a complement to him," I would say he had a VERY GOOD IDEA there! (Gen 2:20) Adam was given a made-to-order companion to share all the marvelous discoveries there in the Garden of Eden—and whatever wonders would come afterwards! Adam would be immeasurably enriched by Eve's presence. She would be his confidant, his lover, supporter and fellow explorer. She would bring all those dear, feminine, home-and-hearth comforts. Eve would ease and delight his every day in dozens of small ways. When we humans are our most healthy, noble selves a woman may prefer to lend support to her husband and family, following his overall direction. And when we are at our best this happens in a flexible way, allowing each mate to give their best and welcome the talents of the other. A very good idea, indeed! Uh, What Happened? As I described in chapter 5, the original balance of power was drastically disrupted after the sin of Eve and Adam. Now he would not just give considerate direction—he would "dominate." And despite any overuse of power on his part, she would still "crave" him, longing for the protection and provision that a male might—or might not—make for her and their children. She would end up settling for what he gave, and might even stay with him when he was hurting them more than he was protecting and providing. —Genesis 3:16. And this has been the lot of women and girls down through time. There are exceptions and times of role-reversal. Some men have identified more with the nurturer role and acted in a submissive way, seeking out more dominating wives. Same old power struggle, with each gender changing ends of the teeter-totter. But lets focus on what happens most of the time, with most women and men. The Last Thing I Wanted was to Live Out My Mother's Life In our time, wives have generally been handed—and they have accepted—the role of emotional shock absorber for their husbands. Even all these years after Genesis 3, men have tended to keep themselves in the family spotlight by their overuse of power and wives have taken it upon themselves to fix whatever is bugging the man—all the while making it look to the outside world that EVERYTHING IS JUST FINE! in this family. Girls and boys in western culture grow up saturated in this emotional climate. From family to family some dads are more harsh, some moms are more forthright, but the male/female struggle for say-so comes to the surface again and again: who will make determinations about money and spending? Discipline/freedoms of the children? Relationships with in-laws? Housework and cooking? Sex? Hobbies and vacations? Family friendships? Whatever current struggle is being played out, it is likely just the latest manifestation of the same underlying tug of war: who is going to get their way, and who is going to have to put up with not getting their way? Due to their power advantage, as well as their willingness to use it forcefully, men usually get their way. And women—manipulated and fearful of losing their man—most often back up and take what he dishes out. Millions of boys have seen and felt their over controlling dads act OUTRAGEOUSLY towards their family. When these boys grow up they (unconsciously) search out a wife who will passively stand by as he ACTS OUT THE RAGE he felt towards his dad (and to a lesser extent, his mom) on his own wife and children in the next generation. Little girls who watched their mothers put up with emotional abuse have been set up for the same role themselves. Remember, girls are NATURALLY ORIENTED TO SUPPORTING AND SERVING—those beautiful feminine attributes that God instilled in women. They may frantically employ these traits all the more if they have watched their moms try to soothe and calm an angry man who often WASN'T EVEN TRYING to soothe and control himself. Over and over the girl likely saw her mom back up and shut up when her husband was demanding or displeased. And so this girl and millions more like her have been socialized, trained, PROGRAMMED to grow up and do more of the same. The girl came to believe that when the man was upset, it was the woman's job to fix it. And if she didn't, he had the right to take it out on her. Crazy, right? Sad, too. As a girl you may have been very disappointed in the way you saw your mother try to cope with her life. By 10 or so, you may have been trying to comfort your mother in her distress, or you may even have been one of the kids who urged her mom to leave her dad because of his cruelty. Or by that age you may have been consoling—yes, MOTHERING—YOUR OWN MOTHER. Yet while your mom's decisions were distasteful to you and you disagreed with what she did, she was also training you to do as she had done. Your youthful impulse was healthy and told you, "This isn't fair and it isn't right!" But your mom taught you to be scared and weak—not strong—in the face of a mad man. And that would also go for any passive behaviors you might have seen in your grandmothers, aunts, older sisters and cousins. While they may have shocked and disgusted you in some ways, they were also—at the same time—LEAVING DEEP IMPRINTS on your neural circuitry. The things you saw your female relatives do basically provide you with most of the repertoire of choices you will reach for later in life. You may SAY that you will never do what they did and you may REALLY DISLIKE what you saw and really intend TO DO DIFFERENT. But unless you come into contact with some much healthier role models, there is a strong likelihood that you will go out and DO THE SAME THINGS YOURSELF—even though you vowed you didn't want to live out your mother's life. Why would you relive all that suffering, when you hated it and are so determined to live differently? Good question, I am glad you asked. The fact is you haven’t seen enough other healthy possibilities in your life. If you have had no exposure to women who were courageous and able to stand up for themselves, then such possibilities just don't occur to you—particularly when you are being pressured or abused. They aren't in your memory banks for your reference. I realize you don't want things this way, but in a scary moment your nervous system will close down your Thinking Brain and default to what you saw your mom do. Sorry, but you will. And you are very apt to feel a magnetic pull towards a man who, at first, SEEMS charming and kind—but that is only the bait. He turns out to be, at least in controllingness, much like your dad. Way Too Responsible If youngsters grow up with a dominating father, they may observe him often disrespect his wife by pushing for her to give up her preferences for his. He may step across the line of basic human respect so far and so often that a new—VERY UNHEALTHY—NORMAL is established in their family. There is no discussion and agreement, no real sharing, no forum for addressing his excesses. There is just fear. To keep him quiet the family, starting with mom, backs up. Rather than stand up to his outrageousness, they accommodate and appease. Boys growing up in this culture are afraid when they are young, but then around the time of puberty, when they are getting taller and more self-confident, you may notice them start to talk back, then speak with contempt to their mom and sisters. A miniature of his dad starting to try out his new masculine muscle. Girls who have been raised with these values, around puberty, often start to be fascinated with boys who are lonely and dejected, are misfits, or who sulk—guys they can nurse and fix. The same guys that their moms were drawn to twenty years earlier. The same massive, hopeless rehabilitation programs that take a whole lifetime and still fail. What has happened? When mom first held her wondrous little newborn son or daughter, this is CERTAINLY NOT the life she saw them living. She was determined that everything would go just right for her baby. But over the years, because her man was so frightening, she made hundreds of little decisions here and there to back down, back up, back off—and all that time THE KIDS WERE BEING TRAINED. Mom just wanted to keep the peace, calm him down for a few moments, get him off her back. But all the while her son was seeing what works for the man, and the daughter was observing the possibilities open to a woman. The girl saw her mom scramble, try harder, take on more and more responsibility for soothing her mad husband. While that dance was going on between her parents, the little girl's internal gauges were being set. They were being set crazy. She saw and came to believe that she was not fully doing her job unless she was doing all of her work and MOST OF HIS WORK, TOO, to keep their relationship going. Later in life this grown up little girl says she “just can't help it” that she feels so responsible, so driven-by-guilt. So she stays connected to some unhealthy, demanding abusive guy. She can barely live with him, and can't imagine leaving him either. Trapped. Amazingly, this same woman is otherwise so smart and capable, so funny, interesting and with-it. How is it that this bright person, who is so competent in other areas of her life, can have such a blind spot and be so self-defeating, so SELF-DESTRUCTIVE in this vital area? Well, looking back at her training: HOW WOULD SHE NOT HAVE TURNED OUT THIS WAY? When we think about how her mother and father really acted, not the words they said they were living by, how could she turn out any other way? Not only does she put up with it, she tries to cover for him, say it isn't that bad, and she says it like she really believes it herself. Most of these women even believe that all the family chaos is because SHE doesn't try hard enough. Sigh. All Right. What Can I Do Now? If this information describes you and your life, please don't feel pressured to make any abrupt changes. (Let's not have you quickly transfer your need-to-please from him to trying to do exactly what this book says!) Your condition, this female sickness—APPEASEMENT—has gone on for most women for a long, long time. At first just allow yourself time to get used to a new way of looking at things. Let these ideas wash over you and give yourself some time to try them on. Agree where you agree, and disagree where you don't. Also give yourself some time to notice any tendency you have to defend the way things are, or to justify, or minimize. "Oh, he isn't THAT bad. It doesn't happen that much. A lot of the time he is really very sweet. I am being disrespectful by speaking up to him." Compassionately, truthfully take a look at the way your defenses show up. Those responses are understandable based on the way you were raised, but they may be keeping you and your children stuck in a painful, hurtful life. Then when you have gathered your thoughts and are feeling confident you might quietly try this: start to declare and live in YOUR OWN REALITY. Listen to yourself, pay attention to your own body. How have you been feeling? How is your health? How is this life working for you? Do you find yourself often tense, or sad, or not wanting to eat? Has binge eating become your consolation? Do you get headaches? Are you chronically depressed, or walking on eggshells around him? Do you love it when he leaves and hate to see him come home? How much of yourself do you have to silence or suppress to avoid displeasing him? Are you and your children terrified of him? First just let yourself feel what is real, and CALL IT WHAT IT REALLY IS. Take a realistic inventory of how this marriage and family life is going—how much you are getting out of it and how much it is wounding you and your children. What have your kids been saying over the years? What about your friends? Have there been little comments that they think you are being over controlled? The verse said that Eve would "crave" her dominating husband. Is that you, too? If things continue just as they are, without any change, where will you and your kids be five years from today? Can This Marriage Be Saved? Let's hope so, and let's really try to make a go of it. Let's see if you can help it to become safer, more nurturing, more joyous than it has been so far. You and only you know if you are safe in this marriage, and how much toll it is taking on you and your children behind closed doors. If your husband is talking and acting in a crazy way, you and the kids will be feeling crazed. If your husband is way out of control—violent, seriously overdrinking, using illegal drugs, cruel and abusive in his speech—you have to think seriously about the price you are paying to stay with him. Your children will sooner or later feel enraged at their dad for his excesses (while they may also display a surprisingly strong longing for him as well). But they may also feel very exasperated with YOU, their mom, as well for your FAILURE TO PROTECT THEM. Because he is so volatile and you have been reliable, your kids may outwardly show pity for him and anger to you. (Hey—that's what you have taught them to do so far!) He is not safe enough for them to show how upset they are. So understand that for a while you may be the target of their exasperation, even though you have been the supportive parent. It's one of the stops along the way to wellness. If you are a woman who takes your marriage vows very seriously you may really agonize over the stay-or-go decision. I respect you for not bailing out of a difficult marriage too soon. And you can respect yourself for being loyal, trying hard and enduring. At the same time, is there anything else you could do to help your marriage besides appeasing and appeasing and enduring and enduring—especially since that is NOT WORKING? Yes, there is. Please click here to continue chapter 6.