I have found that in some families, well many families, actually every family that has ever really leveled with me, there is a driving fear of “what other people will think.”

How things really are in our family is what really matters. Ideally we would be showing our most caring, loving self to the persons we say we love the most—our mate and children. Our parents. We would share our best from the inside out—family first, outsiders getting what is left. But very often our family members are the ones we spew our disappointment and frustration on. We can be kinder to strangers than to those closest to

us. And then we hide it all. We feel ashamed of our weaknesses, so we try to cover up and put on a good show for those around us. We PRETEND to be close as a family, even though relations in the family are strained. What we are really worried about is being found out as a phony.

When we put more importance on THE WAY THINGS APPEAR than on the way things REALLY ARE BETWEEN US AND OUR MATE, US AND OUR KIDS, we cross a big line. We put pressure on our kids to submerge what is real in favor of what looks good. We elevate what is false over what is true. What is unhealthy over what is healthy. What is unreal over what is real. That may never be our intention. We probably never sat down one day and said to ourselves or our family, “Hey, let’s live a great big fat lie.”

It just happened a little at a time. We made an excuse here, we justified there. We hid ourselves a little at a time. Then we hid so well we lost ourselves. And then all those years rushed by.

Maybe everybody does it a little. But let’s do what we can to give our best to those we would say we love the most. And let’s get over phoniness and secrecy and keeping up an image.

A good reputation is a wonderful asset. If people see us for whom we are and admire us for various traits and qualities, that is a real plus in our life. Having the respect of people WE respect is one of life’s big satisfactions. It grows out of folks observing us over time. They catch us doing little things that are good. And they sense genuineness in us. They think they know us and they like what they see. They draw closer to us and want to be around us.

Some folks—more often but not always men—would like to have the good reputation without actually doing the brick-by-brick work it takes to have one. So he lives two lives. Life #1 is life at home and it probably involves angry outbursts he makes at his family behind closed doors. He isn’t always that way, and in fact his outbursts may not happen that often. But the fact that he COULD GO OFF AT ANY TIME keeps the family tiptoeing around, in a constant state of wariness and caution. His second life is the fake-nice way he acts towards outsiders. That drives his wife and kids nuts. They see the difference, the hypocrisy, and they are outraged—though of course they can’t tell HIM about that. He is too fragile, too explosive, too unpredictable, too DANGEROUS.

Is that you? Are you that guy? Then you have to stop it.

It’s never hidden as well as you would like to think. People see. People hear, even when you think they don’t. Out of the corner of their eye they saw how impatient you were, or how harshly you handled your child when you thought no one was looking. Someone was. Sooner or later your secret leaks out…

And the people who matter most to you have always known.

Please drop the idea of trying to fool people by putting on a good show for them. A good image is not the same as a solid reputation. A good reputation comes from being a good person. In private. There is only one you, a person of consistency. Integrity. An image is an act. You try to impress those you know less well at the expense of those closest to you. It’s a backwards way to live.

Would the people in your world say you are a person of integrity—and that you also encourage the same in them? Or would they say—if they dared—that you are split down the middle: The Private You and the Public You. Sometimes Mister Rageful at home and Mister Nice Guy to others.

If you are struggling with slavery to an image, please have a look at chapter 5 in my 10 by 10 Workbook which is posted under the menu item Is Someone in Crisis? at the article If You Are You a Man with an Anger Problem.