"Hasn't Anybody Ever Seen A Plate of Spaghetti
Hit a Wall Before?"

Does family life at your home revolve around The Mood of the Man? Are the wife and children (and pets) in a constant state of alert around him? Does everybody tense up when he comes home and walks through the door?

If you are the man, you may see nothing wrong with all that. You may figure, "My home is my castle." You may secretly like it that your wife and kids (and pets) are plenty careful not to cross you. Do you take a little delight in knowing that when you raise your voice everybody scurries to do what you want? Do you like that you can keep them on edge—either with your loudness or your silence? Do you like it that they never, ever, EVER dare forget Who's The Boss?

Two Very Different Realities: The Guards and the Prisoners

There are often very different reports on family life where the male dominates. His version might be, "Things are fine here. We are a normal family, with normal ups-and-downs. Once in a while I get a little loud, but these kids would drive anybody crazy. We're fine." The guard has no problem with the way things are.

The report from the wife and kids could sound quite different. If they are very afraid of him—if he is prone to uncontrolled outbursts where he might break things or hurt them—then they, too, will likely agree that, "Yep, just like dad says, we're all fine here." They are too afraid to say anything else. Even when outsiders see bruises or have overheard loud verbal abuse, very fearful wives and children will INSIST—REALLY!—that things are fine. They may continue to build their case with lines like "That was just one time. He's not usually like that. He has been under a lot of stress. And it wouldn't have happened if I had kept my room picked up." The family carries the responsibility for soothing him. All act as though THEY, NOT HE, are responsible for managing his mood.

If the family is less fearful their report may be more honest. The wife may dare to say, "He's a grouch when he's home. He comes home in a bad mood and sprays it all over the rest of us. When the kids and I are home alone we have a great time, but when he gets home everything changes. He can be moody, he is impatient with all of us, and he overreacts to so many little things. I keep asking him to be nicer to the kids, and he tries for a day or two, but then he goes back to his old way."

If the children have become teen-agers and feel a little more confident in their own strength and opinions, their report on the emotional climate at home could be like this: "Dad goes off on mom all the time, and she just takes it. She has to ask for permission to go to the store, and half the time he says "No," for no reason. I can't wait to get out of here." Not such a good life for the prisoners…

What a crazy paradox! He sees himself as reasonable and controlled while his family views him as fragile, volatile and CONTROLLING. What's going on here? And what can families do about it?

Males Use DOMINATION—Females Use APPEASEMENT

After the sin of Adam and Eve God told the woman "your craving will be for your husband, and he will dominate you." (Gen 3:16) Originally the man was to serve as head of his wife, but in a considerate, controlled way that brought out the best in both of them. Sadly this prophecy has been the rule in all times and all places—right down till now. Can you think of any cultures where men usually DO NOT dominate and their wives and children?

Men have a stronger body, a deeper voice, and usually control the family assets since they are typically cast in the role of bread-winner. Women are usually smaller and weaker physically, and more empathic by nature. They deal with menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, the feeding and nurturing of small children. Women often have much less earning power in the world of work, making them dependent on the male for support of her and the kids.

So down through time and across cultures, men have realized that if they push they will get their way. And if they push harder they will get their way more. Soon it can be every time about everything. What starts out to be a slight imbalance in power can quickly grow into a family life where he dominates all decisions. The man learns that he can control the household by resorting to an OVERUSE OF HIS POWER. He can cause far more fear in his wife and children than they can cause in him. It keeps him in the spotlight.

And what does the rest of the family learn? "Don't make Daddy mad!" The more power he uses—in his louder voice, by his intensity, by threats, by hitting or throwing—the more the rest of the family shuts up and backs up. They use the unhealthy complement to domination—APPEASEMENT. That means that they give up a little ground in the present to calm the male down. They have learned that they can get him to be quieter and less threatening by giving in, whether they actually agree with him or not. Their motto gets to be 'Whatever will please him for a little while.' The real problem is that once they start giving in, they may see five years go by. They just keep backing down, giving up, apologizing when they haven't done anything wrong. And he gets worse. The balance of power in the family becomes more and more distorted.

If this sounds like your family, you didn't start it and you aren't the only ones. This male/female sickness has been the rule down through time, and has received surprisingly little description. There are more words that describe the dependent female role—like Caretaker, Co-dependent, or Rescuer. Men who are extreme violators have been called Batterers. But there are men do not hit who still cause their wife and kids to suffer mightily. These men may be over controlling, verbally and/or emotionally abusive. DOMINATION AND APPEASEMENT is an apt way of describing this whole crazy mismatch of power and also makes suggestions for improvement.

You Don't Have to Be a Terrorist Very Often

In my experience, few men who rely on dominance to prop up their place in the family would read this far. These guys, for all their bluster, are very brittle people. If the guy does hang around this long, he is probably saying things to minimize his role; things like, "It isn't that bad, and I only do it once in a while. It's not like I am this monster all day long every day."

And that could be true—but it's beside the point. Notice the state of heightened alert the whole world has been on since September 11, 2001. Since those cowardly attacks there has been a collective tensing of all of mankind that hasn't stopped. There is a constant fearful imagination of what horror might be next. Who could calculate the effort and expense that have been spent in trying to stop other attacks—even if no one is planning another attack?

So it is with the Terrorist-at-Home. He may only bark a few times at his family. At other times he may be entirely relaxed, have the best of intentions towards his family and be enjoying himself. HE KNOWS that he is in a state of calm, but the family can never fully let down their guard. Having seen him 'lose it' a few times in the past, they continue to tread lightly around him. He may be playing a board game and having fun and—watching his family laugh—conclude that they are having as much fun as he. Isn't this great?

But it is NEVER the same for them as it is for him. HE HAS THE POWER ALL THE TIME. Even when he isn't actively using it, it's all his. The rest of the family is always at the mercy of his mood. So if he is laughing, they are laughing. If he is quiet, they match his quietness. “Whatever will please him for a little while.” Guys, I expect you to doubt me and resist me on this point. But before you turn away, let me ask you a question: What was life like at home WITH YOUR DAD?

Softening the Giant

I have asked the toughest, most uncontrolled men to tell me about their upbringing, and they all react the same way: they soften. That's because their story, aside from the details, is much more alike than different:

Angry sons
Become angry dads
Who have little boys
Who want so bad…

And the hurt
And the need cascade
On down
In a waterfall of rage

It's gone on and on
In my family
I don't care where it started
But it's stopping with me.

When I ask tough men about their dads, what do you think they tell me? Their dads were at least as punishing to them when they were boys. It was part of "The Worldwide Training Program for Turning Nice Boys Into Over Controlling Fathers."

Now there are more than a few grown men who have defended their dad's image by insisting that his dad "was disciplining him" when he wailed on his son with a belt. Or punched him repeatedly. Some have used the cliché that "it made a man out of me." Nope, it made an ABUSER out of you.

More frequently, though, when controlling men start to tell me about their life with dad, it is a story they tell with sadness, longing, and regret. Dad was gone on business, dad worked long hours, dad used to drink, we had eight kids and none of us got much attention. Dad and mom split up and he moved away. Or some variation.

Lots of guys will try to say that their past doesn't affect them now. And they really want it to be that way—they REALLY! do. But we just aren't built like that. Even when our brain is busy caring for matters in the present, there is a big, active unconscious where lots is going on all the time that is out of our awareness. There just is.

Are You Taking Your Anger at Your Dad Out on Your Wife and Kids?

When we are victims of unfairness or injustice, we naturally take offense. Our rising sense of anger alerts us that we may have to take some action to restore fairness. (see Chapter 8—Can I Be a Healthy, Angry Christian?) Our anger also provides some of the emotional charge we may need to follow through. But as the son of an emotionally abusive man, you did not dare to show your anger, did you? Your dad didn't play fair, wasn't interested in how you felt ("If I want to know how you feel I'll TELL you how to feel!"). So you just kept it to yourself. If it was dangerous enough in your life, your unconscious brain protected you by blocking off your anger before you were even aware of it. You might now be growing angry about what you read, and be ready to tell me quite strongly "I MEAN IT. I never think about those days. I AM NOT MAD AT MY FATHER! Other people might be mad at their fathers, but I just don't feel that way."

But we don't believe you. That's because you are so explosive in the present. Your reactions to your wife and kids are such huge OVERREACTIONS to events in the present that we are positive something else is cooking inside of you. Any time someone's reaction to present life is WAY OUT OF PROPORTION to the stimulus in the present, we can be almost sure that the present event is a TRIGGER, awakening unconscious memories that are similar but MORE INTENSE from earlier in life. You didn't invent it, and you are not the only one. But you are in the middle of acting out a family play written—who knows how many generations ago?

If your dad was abusive to you, almost certainly your grandfather was also that way to him. By the time you came along grandpa may have been in his 50s and had softened some. Or maybe the family just silently agreed never talk about how he used to be. But this family script has likely been acted out for generations back in time. The sons—who were hurt and neglected by their dads, and under protected by their moms—grew up with inner feelings of emptiness, a longing to matter, and rage. When these sons grew up they usually picked unsuspecting, unobjecting women and started to finally pour out their pent-up rage—not on their wounding fathers and mothers, but on the next generation downstream. The old family script is being restaged, reenacted by a fresh crew: the fathers dominate their wives and children, then the sons grow up to play the part of the dominating father on their own kids, and then the kids grow up to perpetuate the story. An all-too-sad and all-too-complete fulfillment of Genesis 3:16, wouldn't you say?

Click here to continue reading Chapter 5
of the 10 by 10 Workbook




		This is Chapter 5 from the 10 by 10 Workbook. The Chapter is entitled:


			"Hasn't Anybody Ever Seen A Plate of Spaghetti Hit a Wall Before?" Does family life at your home revolve around The Mood of the Man? Are the wife and children (and pets) in a constant state of alert around him? Does everybody tense up when he comes home and walks through the door? If you are the man, you may see nothing wrong with all that. You may figure, "My home is my castle." You may secretly like it that your wife and kids (and pets) are plenty careful not to cross you. Do you take a little delight in knowing that when you raise your voice everybody scurries to do what you want? Do you like that you can keep them on edge—either with your loudness or your silence? Do you like it that they never, ever, EVER dare forget Who's The Boss? Two Very Different Realities: The Guards and the Prisoners There are often very different reports on family life where the male dominates. His version might be, "Things are fine here. We are a normal family, with normal ups-and-downs. Once in a while I get a little loud, but these kids would drive anybody crazy. We're fine." The guard has no problem with the way things are. The report from the wife and kids could sound quite different. If they are very afraid of him—if he is prone to uncontrolled outbursts where he might break things or hurt them—then they, too, will likely agree that, "Yep, just like dad says, we're all fine here." They are too afraid to say anything else. Even when outsiders see bruises or have overheard loud verbal abuse, very fearful wives and children will INSIST—REALLY!—that things are fine. They may continue to build their case with lines like "That was just one time. He's not usually like that. He has been under a lot of stress. And it wouldn't have happened if I had kept my room picked up." The family carries the responsibility for soothing him. All act as though THEY, NOT HE, are responsible for managing his mood. If the family is less fearful their report may be more honest. The wife may dare to say, "He's a grouch when he's home. He comes home in a bad mood and sprays it all over the rest of us. When the kids and I are home alone we have a great time, but when he gets home everything changes. He can be moody, he is impatient with all of us, and he overreacts to so many little things. I keep asking him to be nicer to the kids, and he tries for a day or two, but then he goes back to his old way." If the children have become teen-agers and feel a little more confident in their own strength and opinions, their report on the emotional climate at home could be like this: "Dad goes off on mom all the time, and she just takes it. She has to ask for permission to go to the store, and half the time he says "No," for no reason. I can't wait to get out of here." Not such a good life for the prisoners… What a crazy paradox! He sees himself as reasonable and controlled while his family views him as fragile, volatile and CONTROLLING. What's going on here? And what can families do about it? Males Use DOMINATION—Females Use APPEASEMENT After the sin of Adam and Eve God told the woman "your craving will be for your husband, and he will dominate you." (Gen 3:16) Originally the man was to serve as head of his wife, but in a considerate, controlled way that brought out the best in both of them. Sadly this prophecy has been the rule in all times and all places—right down till now. Can you think of any cultures where men usually DO NOT dominate and their wives and children? Men have a stronger body, a deeper voice, and usually control the family assets since they are typically cast in the role of bread-winner. Women are usually smaller and weaker physically, and more empathic by nature. They deal with menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, the feeding and nurturing of small children. Women often have much less earning power in the world of work, making them dependent on the male for support of her and the kids. So down through time and across cultures, men have realized that if they push they will get their way. And if they push harder they will get their way more. Soon it can be every time about everything. What starts out to be a slight imbalance in power can quickly grow into a family life where he dominates all decisions. The man learns that he can control the household by resorting to an OVERUSE OF HIS POWER. He can cause far more fear in his wife and children than they can cause in him. It keeps him in the spotlight. And what does the rest of the family learn? "Don't make Daddy mad!" The more power he uses—in his louder voice, by his intensity, by threats, by hitting or throwing—the more the rest of the family shuts up and backs up. They use the unhealthy complement to domination—APPEASEMENT. That means that they give up a little ground in the present to calm the male down. They have learned that they can get him to be quieter and less threatening by giving in, whether they actually agree with him or not. Their motto gets to be 'Whatever will please him for a little while.' The real problem is that once they start giving in, they may see five years go by. They just keep backing down, giving up, apologizing when they haven't done anything wrong. And he gets worse. The balance of power in the family becomes more and more distorted. If this sounds like your family, you didn't start it and you aren't the only ones. This male/female sickness has been the rule down through time, and has received surprisingly little description. There are more words that describe the dependent female role—like Caretaker, Co-dependent, or Rescuer. Men who are extreme violators have been called Batterers. But there are men do not hit who still cause their wife and kids to suffer mightily. These men may be over controlling, verbally and/or emotionally abusive. DOMINATION AND APPEASEMENT is an apt way of describing this whole crazy mismatch of power and also makes suggestions for improvement. You Don't Have to Be a Terrorist Very Often In my experience, few men who rely on dominance to prop up their place in the family would read this far. These guys, for all their bluster, are very brittle people. If the guy does hang around this long, he is probably saying things to minimize his role; things like, "It isn't that bad, and I only do it once in a while. It's not like I am this monster all day long every day." And that could be true—but it's beside the point. Notice the state of heightened alert the whole world has been on since September 11, 2001. Since those cowardly attacks there has been a collective tensing of all of mankind that hasn't stopped. There is a constant fearful imagination of what horror might be next. Who could calculate the effort and expense that have been spent in trying to stop other attacks—even if no one is planning another attack? So it is with the Terrorist-at-Home. He may only bark a few times at his family. At other times he may be entirely relaxed, have the best of intentions towards his family and be enjoying himself. HE KNOWS that he is in a state of calm, but the family can never fully let down their guard. Having seen him 'lose it' a few times in the past, they continue to tread lightly around him. He may be playing a board game and having fun and—watching his family laugh—conclude that they are having as much fun as he. Isn't this great? But it is NEVER the same for them as it is for him. HE HAS THE POWER ALL THE TIME. Even when he isn't actively using it, it's all his. The rest of the family is always at the mercy of his mood. So if he is laughing, they are laughing. If he is quiet, they match his quietness. “Whatever will please him for a little while.” Guys, I expect you to doubt me and resist me on this point. But before you turn away, let me ask you a question: What was life like at home WITH YOUR DAD? Softening the Giant I have asked the toughest, most uncontrolled men to tell me about their upbringing, and they all react the same way: they soften. That's because their story, aside from the details, is much more alike than different: Angry sons Become angry dads Who have little boys Who want so bad… And the hurt And the need cascade On down In a waterfall of rage It's gone on and on In my family I don't care where it started But it's stopping with me. When I ask tough men about their dads, what do you think they tell me? Their dads were at least as punishing to them when they were boys. It was part of "The Worldwide Training Program for Turning Nice Boys Into Over Controlling Fathers." Now there are more than a few grown men who have defended their dad's image by insisting that his dad "was disciplining him" when he wailed on his son with a belt. Or punched him repeatedly. Some have used the cliché that "it made a man out of me." Nope, it made an ABUSER out of you. More frequently, though, when controlling men start to tell me about their life with dad, it is a story they tell with sadness, longing, and regret. Dad was gone on business, dad worked long hours, dad used to drink, we had eight kids and none of us got much attention. Dad and mom split up and he moved away. Or some variation. Lots of guys will try to say that their past doesn't affect them now. And they really want it to be that way—they REALLY! do. But we just aren't built like that. Even when our brain is busy caring for matters in the present, there is a big, active unconscious where lots is going on all the time that is out of our awareness. There just is. Are You Taking Your Anger at Your Dad Out on Your Wife and Kids? When we are victims of unfairness or injustice, we naturally take offense. Our rising sense of anger alerts us that we may have to take some action to restore fairness. (see Chapter 8—Can I Be a Healthy, Angry Christian?) Our anger also provides some of the emotional charge we may need to follow through. But as the son of an emotionally abusive man, you did not dare to show your anger, did you? Your dad didn't play fair, wasn't interested in how you felt ("If I want to know how you feel I'll TELL you how to feel!"). So you just kept it to yourself. If it was dangerous enough in your life, your unconscious brain protected you by blocking off your anger before you were even aware of it. You might now be growing angry about what you read, and be ready to tell me quite strongly "I MEAN IT. I never think about those days. I AM NOT MAD AT MY FATHER! Other people might be mad at their fathers, but I just don't feel that way." But we don't believe you. That's because you are so explosive in the present. Your reactions to your wife and kids are such huge OVERREACTIONS to events in the present that we are positive something else is cooking inside of you. Any time someone's reaction to present life is WAY OUT OF PROPORTION to the stimulus in the present, we can be almost sure that the present event is a TRIGGER, awakening unconscious memories that are similar but MORE INTENSE from earlier in life. You didn't invent it, and you are not the only one. But you are in the middle of acting out a family play written—who knows how many generations ago? If your dad was abusive to you, almost certainly your grandfather was also that way to him. By the time you came along grandpa may have been in his 50s and had softened some. Or maybe the family just silently agreed never talk about how he used to be. But this family script has likely been acted out for generations back in time. The sons—who were hurt and neglected by their dads, and under protected by their moms—grew up with inner feelings of emptiness, a longing to matter, and rage. When these sons grew up they usually picked unsuspecting, unobjecting women and started to finally pour out their pent-up rage—not on their wounding fathers and mothers, but on the next generation downstream. The old family script is being restaged, reenacted by a fresh crew: the fathers dominate their wives and children, then the sons grow up to play the part of the dominating father on their own kids, and then the kids grow up to perpetuate the story. An all-too-sad and all-too-complete fulfillment of Genesis 3:16, wouldn't you say? Click here to continue reading Chapter 5 of the 10 by 10 Workbook