One 17 year old girl told me that some males in her world called her “a butterface.” This was their way of communicating to her that when they look at her they find her body sexually stimulating and attractive, but not her face. They like everything ‘but-her-face.’ Think about that. That means that young males are visually dissecting her, like she is a slab of beef, rating her parts—her breasts, hips, legs, hair, facial features. And then for some unfathomably cruel reason they feel like they have to TELL her about what they see!

Can you imagine anything more dehumanizing—for the girl or the guys? Though let’s be clear here, the girl is suffering much more in the interchange than the males are. What pressure for her to be under—knowing that she is being inspected and graded in such a way! What degradation! And sadly, there are many other slang terms that are used to describe males and females, aren't there? Especially ones which feature whether or not the person is sexually attractive. Hot. Boinkable.

You know, even the people who look good don’t think they look good enough. Models are known to starve themselves, and suffer from Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Artists still airbrush away fat or lines or zits or other tiny flaws from models who appear in national magazines. And there will always be somebody else who has shinier hair, clearer skin, perfect teeth.

During and after puberty young males and females continue to form and consolidate their identity. They start to pay more attention to how they look, how they feel about themselves and what is important to them. They start to pull away from their parents (a little or a lot) and want to be their own person. They draw towards their peers with similar interests and they may become more private. They are just starting out on this journey, so there is a lot they don’t know. Some cover up how unsure they are by pretending to be so confident, so cocky, so sure of themselves. During this time young folks clump into groups for protection, the same way flocks and herds do to get through harsh winter storms.

Some kids cope with self-doubt by owning what is cool. Others deal by mocking or ridiculing those who do not have what is agreed-upon-cool in their group.

You have seen all these, haven’t you? Want to hear a healthier suggestion? You don’t have to pretend you know what you can’t possibly know as an early or middle teen. You could just admit to yourself, “This is a time for me to do some searching. I don’t know all there is to know about myself right now. There are a lot of things for me to try and figure out at this point in my life. And I am going to give myself a chance to find what my preferences and strengths are.”

A better way to deal with self-discovery is not to hide it, but to allow yourself lots of time to find who you are and what you want and what you stand for. Takes a little longer, but is genuine and healthy.

1 I have a lot of interests, including

2 Some things come easy for me, like

3 Some things are not so easy for me, like

4 A time I did the right thing even though it was hard was when

5 A time I was honest when nobody would have known was

6 Underline as many of the words below as apply to you. After that think about some of the ones that you would like to apply to yourself, and how you can grow into them.