Suicidality
–If You Are Feeling Suicidal
Many moderate-to-severely
depressed folks live with the background idea of suicidality
the way we have learned to tune out the noise from a nearby
highway: it is always there, but they have learned to tune it
out. Most of the time. Really.
That is not because they want to.
The presence of suicidal thoughts is contrary to our
natural longing to be healthy, to be alive, to plan for the
future, to interact with those whom we love. Yes,
something is really different for this person. In the
cases I know of, a suicidal person is not all-one-way.
They have conflicted feelings at the same time: a part of
them loves life, a part of them would never want to inflict
injury or sadness on others, and another part of them just
wants their pain to stop. Exactly like Job.
Suicidality is the tendency to
think about ending a person’s life. It may be
occasional and not very strong—fairly easy for them to
swish away much of the time.
But then it can flare up and be
absolutely overpowering. This may be shameful to the
sufferer, so they live with it alone—not daring to tell
anyone about how intensely they want to die. Such a
person may start to formulate a plan, hiding away some pills.
It can go on for years this way, even though they
otherwise laugh and seem to be doing okay in life.
Another person may live with
severe depression and strong suicidal feelings much of the
time. I am not describing someone who is trying to be
dramatic and gain attention by exaggeration. When
someone indicates to me that they are thinking of ending their
life I always take them seriously, remembering that the usual
tendency is not to tell, and/or to minimize the symptoms.
These folks may live with the “highway noise”
of suicide for years. Some of them started when they were
very young. I have had people tell me they knew they
wanted to die—and even tried to take their lives—as
small children.
I know some people who have hung
on for years. They have wanted to die but not acted on
that feeling. Or they may have tried to die and not quite
made it. Remember to remember that it is not the same all
the time for them. Some days are FAR, FAR worse than
others. Some days they are making a big fat contribution
to life and those around them, and then 4 days later the bottom
falls out and they can’t get out of bed for a couple of
days. It may be incomprehensible, inconceivable to you,
but it is THEIR WORLD.
A Feature of Depression, but Not All
Depressed Persons are Suicidal
Maybe all suicidal persons are
depressed (on-and-off, the way depression is), but not all
depressed people are suicidal. Most days a love for God
or a feeling of not wanting to hurt others is enough to hold
them back. And a love for their kids. That sense of
responsibility typically brings out the best, the
most-disciplined in many folks—especially mothers.
But there are days when even their deep love for their
God and their children doesn’t feel strong enough to hold
them back.
Risks and Accidents
At times we see folks take
astonishing risks with their life, or we read about accidents
that just leave us wondering—especially some car
accidents at high speed or involving alcohol. The actions
people took were so risky that we get the idea they really
didn’t care if they lived or died. Or maybe it even
looks like they wanted to die. Especially if they did.
At times you may get an inkling
that someone in your world wants to die, whether they admit it
or not. Some of their words or some of their actions may
strongly suggest that they don’t want to live and
don’t mind if they die. Maybe there is a clue in
their language, or you see them give away things like they were
‘settling their affairs.’ Your intuition may
tell you not to leave this person alone right now. If you
get that feeling, listen to yourself.
Don’t Be Alone with this!
At first it may feel both
enchanting to be trusted and overwhelming to know what you know
about a suicidal person. If the person needs a lot of
support and turns to you more and more, you may feel burned out
in a short time. You want to help, and you care, but your
personal bank of emotional reserve can become quickly depleted.
So what then?
You selectively get some other
folks to help out, too. Not everybody has the same
patience and fortitude, but somebody in your world can get
involved and help you and the sufferer. You have to widen
the circle of helpers. You have to. And you also
have to make up your mind that you will call 911 if you need
more help. If you allow yourself that possibility in your
mind you will not feel near as much pressure as if you make a
rash promise “I would never ask an ambulance to take you
to the hospital.” You might offer something more
like this if you want to reassure your friend:
“I am going to do my best
to continue to support you because I care so much about you.
I can see that you are going through an extremely
difficult time and that you want your pain to end. And I
want that for you, too. I promise I will try hard not to
overreact to your pain. But because I love you so much I
can’t promise that I won’t call for more help if I
think you need it. Sorry, pal. I just can’t
do that.”
Then move on to another subject.
Don’t stay on it and continue to try to convince
her.
Sometimes there is a “Successful
Suicide”
What a strange term—a
“successful suicide.” The person manages to
take an action that is lethal enough to end his life.
Women try more, but men succeed more, because men resort
to more violent means. Guns.
Sometimes people just wear out
and end it all—even with good friends, even if they love
their God. They just feel like they can’t endure
their pain another day, not another hour, and—likely on a
powerful but quick sweep of desperation—they do it.
And they die. We are all sad for the pain he felt,
and we are sad we could not have done more to help him, and we
are sad we didn’t know how bad off he was JUST THEN.
We are sad and we are helpless.
Other articles
If you haven’t already done
so, you may find further help and ideas when you look at these
other articles here at my web site:
