Folks tell me this when they describe their life and problems. I get what they mean: they are trying to keep perspective and not allow themselves to focus too much on their own misery. They are trying to help themselves by holding onto their attitude. And I agree there definitely is a time and place when it helps to see ourselves and where we fall on the scale of human having and not-having.

Such occasional references can be apt and healthy. We are, most of us, living more comfortable lives than kings did up until a short time ago. Our homes are as warm or as cool as we want. We have an unending selection of fresh foods brought in to us from hundreds of miles away, and sold for just a few cents. Communications. Medical prevention and treatment. You know all that.

When our neighbors in New Orleans were flooded out by hurricane Katrina we watched and made instant mental assessments of what it would be like to be them: to have our whole home, our furniture and clothing, our family photos all turn into a sodden lump. It is beneficial for us to consider that our life is fleeting and that our possessions are perishable. That can help us keep from locking onto the trivial and losing sight of The Big Things.

But there is a way this comparison can work against you. By depending on this form of evaluation too much, you may be denying how much YOU are suffering, and not taking the action that could bring you relief. It isn’t just The Person Who Has Suffered the Most who is in pain. That might have been a way our parents deflected our attention from what hurt us as kids. They told us not to cry, or that what hurt us didn’t hurt, or they told us “If you don’t stop crying I will give you something to cry about.” All those crazy-making statements kept us alienated from ourselves, a stranger estranged from our own hurt.

So we may have grown up and continued to treat ourselves the way they treated us. Now we may try to ignore what hurts us, or argue it away. Or rationalize why it doesn’t hurt—because someone else is suffering more…

When we are in pain our feelings and/or our body are notifying our Thinking Brain that we need to be helped and protected—moved away from what is hurting us. If we ignore the pain we may keep ourselves in harm’s way. It’s okay to ‘gut out’ a moderate amount of pain here and there. But there is also a time to pay attention to our pain and act decisively to get away, out of pain. Regardless of what any one else is going through.

Use references to others a little. Use your own feelings a lot. You are you, with your own unique personal needs. See if these fill-ins help you to tune in more to your own needs and preferences.

1 Something that means a lot to me but may not mean so much to others is:

2 Something that means a lot to others but not so much to me is:

3 One of the ways I compare my experience or my life to others that may be useful and healthy is:

4 A way I compare myself to others that may not be so healthy could be:

5 Thinking about my life and the world I live in, I can be very grateful for:

6 Though some areas of my life are very good, I have had to overcome these hardships:

Yes, someone has it worse. And that is a useful reference for you to make occasionally and hold lightly. Others have it better. Use these where they help you, but don’t turn your life into a race or competition. Be grateful for all you have, and pay attention to your pain, doing what you reasonably can to alleviate it in a healthy way. See?