If you care about somebody and you see her suffering that hurts you, too. It is painful for us to see someone else in pain. And then sometimes people who are hurting do nutty things to try to cope, and those things may even make things worse. You may then become scared or exasperated when she keeps doing those self-destructive things. Isolating herself. Not eating. Cutting herself. So you talk to her and reason with her and think up illustrations that you hope will get her to change. You try and you try and you try and…

She keeps doing that same thing. Maybe when you are talking to her you get the idea that she understands what you are talking about. She may even agree, yes,

that her habit is hurting herself even more. But then she always goes back to it. Always. No matter how much you say—and others say. They go back into the same nutty rut. Even if in other areas of her life she is well put together! Why?

And what more can you do?

Nothing more. You have already done a lot—all a person can. Now, having extended yourself as much as you can—as much as any human can—you have to come to terms with the fact that she is her own person and as much as you care about her, she is making a choice that you cannot stop or change. You are powerless. And definitely, you cannot control her. You can spend—hey, waste—the next year or two or ten trying. But you cannot change the other person.

What do you do? No, not give up. But yes, back off. I find the most effective way to try to affect someone is to definitely avoid using any pressure. As soon as you stop pressuring you gain respect from them and with respect, you get some influence. Get it? The less you push, the more influence you have. You trade the illusion of control, with all the struggle that goes with it, for some honest influence, which is all you can have.

So keep talking to her. Maybe help her find some accurate information about her condition, and if she is willing read it with her and stick around to discuss what you read. If she will. Suggest and then stop. Offer then stop. Don’t keep nagging and pushing—or your influence will go down as she digs in to resist you. The less you are forceful, the less she will feel a need to defend herself from you and the more influence you will have.

At some time you may have to let go. Accept that you are limited in the influence you have, and that they are their own person. You end where they begin. You may have to contain your pain and powerlessness. You may have to watch helplessly. Not without care, but without control. That can be a hard lesson for us—letting go, coming to terms with how little control we have over others. Even our friends, a parent, or one of our older kids.

When we ease up on trying to pressure someone into a certain course, we also release ourselves from a lot of pressure. When we become more accepting of their autonomy—their personal rights to run their own life—we give ourselves a break. Do you need a break? Are you burning out, exhausting yourself in your efforts to change or fix someone else? It usually doesn’t work, and it only uses up the energy of the misdirected fixer.

Pay attention to yourself closely for a moment. How have these last four paragraphs affected you? Do you find yourself deeply disagreeing—even mad, as though you want to fight back? If so, that may suggest how deeply you believe that you CAN AND SHOULD keep trying to change someone. Such a strong reaction on your part also suggests that you may be coming on very strong to the people in your world. Perhaps, without meaning to, you are sending the message that “I know what you need better then you know for yourself.” If you are coming across with that sort of force, consider that you are not only tiring yourself out, but also contributing in some measure to KEEPING THE OTHER PERSON RIGHT WHERE SHE IS AS SHE FEELS A NEED TO DEMONSTRATE THAT SHE WON’T BE CONTROLLED BY YOU!