Grief is actually a mix of feelings related to an important loss. As I am using it (because there are varieties in definitions) it includes the pain, sadness, powerlessness and anger that accompany a Big Loss—especially a death, a big medical setback or a big betrayal.

When we first experience a big loss, it is usually accompanied by disbelief. Although we KNOW mentally that the person has died, it takes us a while to fully GET IT. There is the emotional digestion, the catching up with all that the news means. Then there may follow the ricochet of anger, sadness and pain. This is not a nice neat checklist of feelings that we work our way down through in an A-B-C way. These overwhelming feelings come and go and double back and submerge. Some much more than others. When we think we are done they show up again. It’s a stew, and each of us does it our own way. There may be more anger than pain. There may be tons of pain and no anger at all. You do it your way.

If you are in grief, give yourself time. And don’t expect yourself to be able to carry your usual load like before. Eventually you will right yourself, but it may take longer than you like, and longer than you think it should. Your mind says you should be over it, but your unconscious mind and body has a timetable of its own. Go with it.

These are the things I know about grief that I would want somebody to tell me on the level:

It gets worse in the early weeks and months

It takes longer to get over than you think it should (up to a year)

Grieving is very difficult, you will be exhausted and may wonder if you can continue

You may occasionally think about ending your life to get through this

Prescription antidepressants may help, and you ought to seriously consider trying them, but they won’t
mask all the pain

People may tire out of helping, and may want to hurry you along

It really does get better

In my experience the Fullness of grief does not all arrive for several weeks after a loss. Sorry, but it has to get worse first. This is when you really need your friends. Then for the next several months you just have that ache at your heart. It is very unpleasant and not much helps. Keeping to a routine will at least distract you some of the time. Antidepressant medications can be considered. They may help you sleep and get you by.

Your kind presence is your biggest gift. Showing up and sitting with them. Calling regularly. Often after an accident or a death there is a big outpouring of attention and visits and cards and meals, but then—naturally—friends return to their own lives. If you are able keep calling or stopping by after the initial rush of support you will be a true friend indeed.

When you are with your grieving friend you are acutely tuned in to how sad they are, and you would like to help them feel better. Make them feel better. They may be numb or scattered and you would like to do something to bring them relief. Let me tell you a secret about helping a person who is grieving: in some cases the less you say, and the less advice you give, the better. Now of course there is the business of life that has to go on, and your friend may appreciate you being a little bit more directive about that. But when it comes to just sitting with the awful sadness that they are in, you may give your greatest gift by just sitting with them as they endure all of the new circumstances of their life. If you show you can just be there with them, without changing the subject or trying to get them to think about something else. Letting them say some of the same things over and over. They are assimilating the tragedy of their life and they will appreciate you for your patience.

Eventually, yes, we will nudge them back into life. But in the first few weeks after losing a loved one in death or being dumped by their mate, they just need some time to get used to it all. And if you can do that with them, you will be helping more than you know.