If You See a Child Who is Being Neglected, Physically Abused, Verbally Abused, or Sexually Abused

(Is That Abuse or Discipline?)

Sometimes we get a glimpse of parenting that makes us wince. We see a child get her hair yanked, or called a cutting name. We know the parent has gone too far and we are paralyzed with horror at what we saw. What should we do?

Or you hear spanking that goes on too long, or a cry from a child that is disturbing. What do we do? Do we stay out of it, or do we get involved?

We get involved, but we do it EFFECTIVELY, in a way that helps make things better. We speak up so that the parent knows that what is going on is getting out and seen by others in the world. Chances are they are feeling overwhelmed in their life, and it is possible if not likely that they are displacing some of their OVERWHELM ABOUT WHAT THEY CANNOT CONTROL onto their child whom they cannot only CONTROL BUT DOMINATE.

There can be a range of over reactions on the part of exasperated parents. Be realistic. If they are a little across the line, be understanding and supportive. We have all had days like that, right?

But if you know or strongly sense that there is sadistic, chronic abuse or severe deprivation YOU CANNOT STAND BY AND FAIL TO SPEAK UP!

You: Hey Carl. How are you today?

Carl: (in a grouchy way, of course) I’m all right.
(He doesn’t help the conversation keep going, so the work will be up to you.)

You: Hey, dude, I heard you really coming on strong to little Marky. And your face was so red, and you
were only a couple of inches from his nose. You were loud enough for me to hear, and actually I
WAS SCARED listening to you. I know we all have days when we aren’t our best self—I have mine,
too. Do you need to vent with an adult, Carl? Because I would be glad to sit and listen to
whatever is going on for you.

Carl: No, I’ll be okay. (Still not offering much for you to work with).

You: Could I offer a tiny word of advice, pal? I am sure you really love your boy, so would you try to
come on a little softer with your son? I fully support your right to train and correct him, but I think
you have gotten near the border of emotional abuse, and I know that is not where you want to be.
Thanks for hearing me out, Carl. I appreciate it. And if I can ever be of help, please give me a call.

That may be as far as you can go for now, but you have thrown a line to Carl and to Marky. And that may come in real handy to both of them in the days to come. You have given Carl a lot to think about without rousing his defenses—or at least not very much. He knows that someone else has heard him, and that he is coming across louder than he thought. And he knows that you think he is being too forceful. Even though he didn’t agree or promise to do better, there is a chance he will take your feedback into account. All the more so if you are not the first person who has spoken up to him.

THAT’S WHY WE HAVE TO SPEAK UP. ALL OF US!

Of course there are guys (or women) who will minimize and justify and continue to do what they have been doing. What then? If we see it again we have to speak up again. And again. We don’t turn our head and pretend we don’t see. Even if we suspect that the parent continues to be abusive in private, we offer some validation to the child by speaking up—and the kid gets the message that he is worth protecting.




If You See a Child Who is Being Neglected, Physically Abused, Verbally Abused, or Sexually Abused (Is That Abuse or Discipline?)



	Sometimes we get a glimpse of parenting that makes us wince. We see a child get her hair yanked, or called a cutting name. We know the parent has gone too far and we are paralyzed with horror at what we saw. What should we do? Or you hear spanking that goes on too long, or a cry from a child that is disturbing. What do we do? Do we stay out of it, or do we get involved? We get involved, but we do it EFFECTIVELY, in a way that helps make things better. We speak up so that the parent knows that what is going on is getting out and seen by others in the world. Chances are they are feeling overwhelmed in their life, and it is possible if not likely that they are displacing some of their OVERWHELM ABOUT WHAT THEY CANNOT CONTROL onto their child whom they cannot only CONTROL BUT DOMINATE. There can be a range of over reactions on the part of exasperated parents. Be realistic. If they are a little across the line, be understanding and supportive. We have all had days like that, right? But if you know or strongly sense that there is sadistic, chronic abuse or severe deprivation YOU CANNOT STAND BY AND FAIL TO SPEAK UP!

			You: Hey Carl. How are you today? Carl: (in a grouchy way, of course) I’m all right. (He doesn’t help the conversation keep going, so the work will be up to you.) You: Hey, dude, I heard you really coming on strong to little Marky. And your face was so red, and you were only a couple of inches from his nose. You were loud enough for me to hear, and actually I WAS SCARED listening to you. I know we all have days when we aren’t our best self—I have mine, too. Do you need to vent with an adult, Carl? Because I would be glad to sit and listen to whatever is going on for you. Carl: No, I’ll be okay. (Still not offering much for you to work with). You: Could I offer a tiny word of advice, pal? I am sure you really love your boy, so would you try to come on a little softer with your son? I fully support your right to train and correct him, but I think you have gotten near the border of emotional abuse, and I know that is not where you want to be. Thanks for hearing me out, Carl. I appreciate it. And if I can ever be of help, please give me a call.



		That may be as far as you can go for now, but you have thrown a line to Carl and to Marky. And that may come in real handy to both of them in the days to come. You have given Carl a lot to think about without rousing his defenses—or at least not very much. He knows that someone else has heard him, and that he is coming across louder than he thought. And he knows that you think he is being too forceful. Even though he didn’t agree or promise to do better, there is a chance he will take your feedback into account. All the more so if you are not the first person who has spoken up to him. THAT’S WHY WE HAVE TO SPEAK UP. ALL OF US! Of course there are guys (or women) who will minimize and justify and continue to do what they have been doing. What then? If we see it again we have to speak up again. And again. We don’t turn our head and pretend we don’t see. Even if we suspect that the parent continues to be abusive in private, we offer some validation to the child by speaking up—and the kid gets the message that he is worth protecting.